Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know

by Meg Meeker

The only way you will alienate your daughter in the long term is by losing her respect, failing to lead, or failing to protect her. If you don’t provide for her needs, she will find someone else who will—and that’s when trouble starts. Don’t let that happen.

Authority is not a threat to your relationship with your daughter—it is what will bring you closer to your daughter, and what will make her respect you more.

They describe fathers who failed—or were afraid—to establish rules. They describe fathers who focused on their own emotional struggles rather than those of their daughters. They describe fathers who wanted to avoid any conflict, and so shied away from engaging their daughters in conversation, or challenging them when they made bad decisions.

So remember that when she pushes hard against your rules, flailing, crying that you are mean or unfair, she is really asking you a question: Am I worth the fight, Dad? Are you strong enough to handle me? Make sure she knows the answer is yes.

Fathers need to be strict, but they also need to be kind, accepting, and loving. It’s a matter of balance. The don’ts are easy. Don’t let your daughter think of you as the enemy. Don’t use your authority in ways that are cruel or that sting. Don’t try to live your life through hers. Don’t try to make her your robot. But do lead.

your response to your daughter’s assault is as important as the event itself to your daughter’s future emotional health.

When you respond as her hero, both of you win.

Let me tell you a secret about daughters of all ages: they love to boast about how tough their dads are—not just physically, but how strict and demanding they are. Why? Because this allows daughters to “show off” how much their fathers love them.

When your two-year-old daughter has a temper tantrum, put her in time-out and ignore her until she calms down. When she’s sixteen, do exactly the same. If you need to ground her for a week, or a month, do it. And don’t ever take personally the venom spewing from her lovely tongue. She’s still a kid. So you lead; don’t let her.

If you have a good relationship, she will choose boyfriends who will treat her well. If she sees you as open and warm, she’ll be confident with other men. If you are cold and unaffectionate, she’ll find it hard to express love in a healthy way.

Instead of saying, “I love you because you’re so beautiful,” tell her that you love her because there is no one else in the world like her.

“I realized that weekend that he was unshakable. Sure, he was upset, but I saw that no matter what I did I could never push him out of my life. You can’t believe how good that made me feel.

The purpose of your time with her is to help her walk away feeling better about who she is.

Ask her questions and listen to her. Girls hate feeling invisible. Without your attention, they feel unloved and insecure.

The one rule is that when the argument is over, it’s over. Don’t pick at it. End it, make up, and move on—all before the sun sets.

If you stay with her, look at her, and listen to her, she’ll keep coming back for more. Her self-esteem will soar, her sense of loneliness will disappear, and she’ll become more comfortable expressing her feelings.

Finally, because you, the most important man in her life, obviously like being with her, she will feel more attractive. She’ll think that boys who don’t want to be with her have a problem (because you’re smarter and more mature than they are). That’s a good attitude for her to have, and one that can protect her in the long run.

Let your daughter know that the person she has to please is you.

Guide her and help her reject harmful behaviors. Make it a habit and she will too. Girls who have been encouraged to be strong athletically, emotionally, intellectually, and physically learn to take over the role of encouraging themselves to succeed.

At the beginning of her life, she will feel your love. At the end of her life, you will be on her mind. And what happens in between is up to you. Love her extraordinarily. This is the heart of great fathering.

You can lead her in another direction by teaching her that she’s valuable because of who she is—and because you love her. Her life is equal in value to yours and to everyone else’s. Talent, intellect, and beauty are wonderful things to have, but they will never make her life more meaningful or give her more significance as a woman. Only humility will.

Humility, however, prevents bullying and being bullied. When your daughter recognizes that all humans have equal value and never esteems herself above another, she doesn’t worry about asserting her superiority or take seriously a bully’s taunts.

She knows that our worth is not in what we do, what we have, or what we are capable of being, but in the fact that we are human.

And bullies can’t feel superior over people who refuse...

She’s a kid. You’re the dad. You should decide. You should set the priorities. When you bring realism into her life, you bring her comfort because you bring limits. When you teach her always to think about other people, to put herself in their shoes, to know that everyone—her friends, neighbors, and sister and brother—is important, you’ll give her the gift of friendship and living to the fullest as a caring, social being. If you teach your daughter to be good rather than simply happy, she will become both. Teaching your daughter humility is a wonderful gift. And it can be taught only by example.

What she wants to know from you is what the rules are. When is it appropriate to have sex and why? That’s it.

Reiterate to her that sex isn’t a simple bodily function—it is powerfully linked to her feelings, thoughts, and character. Tell her that a lot of what she hears and sees about sex is simply wrong. Keep it straightforward, loving, and respectable.

Let her know that you see her. Let her know she’s beautiful. Let her know that modesty is just another form of respect—for herself, for you, and for what she expects from boys—and that she shouldn’t follow fashion trends and flaunt her sexuality just because other kids do.

Here’s another very important medical fact: the fewer sexual partners a girl has, the less likely she is to contract an STD.16 And the longer she waits to start having sex, the more likely she is to have fewer partners. 17 So, dad, you must help her, teach her to wait.

Teach self-respect early. When she is three, begin telling her that her body is special. It is beautiful and she needs to keep it special. As she grows older, let her know that the places a bathing suit covers are very private and only a doctor, you, or her mom are to see those private places. Let your daughter know that if anyone touches her private parts to let you know about it. Don’t let her run around naked at home. Talk to her about clothes before she buys them. Even

When she dates, sweep the garage. Every boy who dates your daughter needs to know he is accountable to you. It doesn’t matter if he’s just taking her for coffee or taking her to the movies. It doesn’t matter if he’s just a “friend.” Let him know you’ll be waiting. And when he brings her home, be sure he sees you.

Remind boys that you—not your daughter—will hold them accountable for their behavior.

Even if a ring or necklace helps your daughter wait only a year or two longer, that’s a victory. The longer a girl waits, the fewer lifetime sexual partners she has. The fewer the partners, the less likely she is to get an infection.

Don’t let anyone tell you—or her—that it’s impossible to wait. It absolutely can be done. Make it something you expect of her. And if you want to, give her a ring or a necklace as a reminder.

keeping it simple and starting such discussions in the fourth or fifth grade, when most public schools start their sex education programs. Just as you discuss the rest of her school day, talk about this and find out what they’re teaching her. If you disagree with what she’s being taught, correct it. Tell her to come to you for answers to her questions.

Most important, let her know your dreams about her future—her safe, happy, healthy future.

Mary, now forty-two years old, is the mother of four children. She told me that from the time she can remember until she graduated from college, her father came to her bedroom every night to say good night.

He told me he thanked God for me and that I was special. Then he always leaned over to kiss me before leaving and whispered words in my ear that I thought at the time were peculiar. He’d say, ‘Remember, Mary, your wedding night. It’s very special and so are you.’ That was it.

Every model for Playboy is someone’s daughter. Don’t let it be yours. Protect her beautiful body as only you can. She may hate it in the short term, but when she is an adult she will thank you. And the thanks will come sooner than you think. Stay in the battle.

If you teach her that life has limits and that not all her needs or desires can or should be met, she will learn to accept realism, and she will not live expecting—or waiting for—others to be servants to the princess.

The damage comes when a loving father indulges a daughter to the point that she expects always to be on the receiving end, and that all her material, physical, or emotional needs are to be taken care of by someone else. What or how much you give her doesn’t matter as much as the way in which you give. I have seen many wealthy girls grow up unspoiled and many poor girls become demanding, selfish grown-ups.

The trick is to teach her that gifts, love, and attention are wonderful, but that she is not the center of the world. You want to teach her to appreciate these things and be humbly thankful for them. You do not want her to feel entitled to and selfishly focused on them. Princesses take. Princesses

As a dad, whenever your daughter is in a tough situation, all you have to do is ask her this simple question: “So what can you do about it?” And it’s worth asking that question in situations throughout her life.