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by
Meg Meeker
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January 15 - January 21, 2016
research shows that parenting may increase a man’s emotional growth and increase his feelings of value and significance.
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From what I’ve seen in my office, the evidence is overwhelming: girls who are emotionally solid and intellectually and morally sound are girls with humility, who understand that they have to fit into the family, and that the family doesn’t orbit around them.
What many parents don’t realize is that giving in to a daughter’s selfishness puts enormous pressure on her. When she’s the focus, when she has the power to maneuver family schedules, vacations, or finances, when she has to decide what innumerable possibilities might make her happier, she becomes not only selfish but neurotic. Your daughter really doesn’t want that much power. She’s a kid. You’re the dad. You should decide. You should set the priorities. When you bring realism into her life, you bring her comfort because you bring limits. When you teach her always to think about other people,
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When it comes to clothes, let her pick them out within your guidelines. If you need some ground rules, adopt the sensible ones of my daughter’s high school: high-necked blouses and below-the-knee skirts. Tell her that the point of your guidelines is not for her to be ashamed of her body, but to be respectful of it.
Let other parents—and your daughter—know your standards. And have your daughter call home if they’re violated. She’ll be embarrassed, but she’ll get over it. Defend your daughter’s right to be a kid.
I’ve found that girls whose parents are reasonable, firm in their guidelines, and not overbearing understand early on that their parents are on their side and “get” what is going on in their world. That minimizes battles over movies, clothes, and the rest.
When your sixteen-year-old bounces into the kitchen with a bikini barely covering her large breasts and pubic area, smile and tell her that it’s a gorgeous color, but the suit is too scant for her beautiful body. Tell her she needs to find a more modest suit that won’t make other girls feel jealous. When she is twenty-five, she’ll thank you.
As a dad, whenever your daughter is in a tough situation, all you have to do is ask her this simple question: “So what can you do about it?” And it’s worth asking that question in situations throughout her life.
Tell her that you and she cannot have a meaningful relationship if lying sits anywhere inside it. Why? Because even if you or she lie “just a little on occasion,” then trust breaks down between you. Let your daughter know that you want a relationship with her based on trust; that alone will draw her closer to you.
Show her the truth that the most important part of our lives is our relationship with loved ones. Those relationships are the only avenue for deep joy and contentment. When they are good, life is good, and we feel that we need little else.
She is a gift who has changed your life through her love, compassion, and strength.
In order to grow stronger from her mistakes and move forward in an emotionally healthy manner, three things must take place. First, she’s got to admit the mistake. Some kids do this a lot better than others. Young kids have a hard time because much of their fantasy lives blends with reality. Be patient if your daughter has difficulty admitting mistakes, but keep at her because it’s a skill she needs to develop. Second, she must say she’s sorry—to you, to whomever she hurt, even to herself. This last gesture is extremely important for teen girls who are sensitive. One of my patients was
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