The Peacemaker : A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict

by Ken Sande

turn frustrating conflicts into opportunities for our family to face our sins, see our mutual need for the Savior, and grow closer to him and one another.

turn conflict into an opportunity to strengthen relationships, preserve valuable resources, and make their lives a testimony to the love and power of Christ.

Focusing on God is the key to resolving conflict constructively. When we remember his mercy and draw on his strength, we invariably see things more clearly and respond to conflict more wisely.

Overlooking an offense is a form of forgiveness and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger.

Reconciliation. If an offense is too serious to overlook or has damaged the relationship, we need to resolve personal or relational issues through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness. "[If] your brother has something against you ... go and be reconciled" (Matt. 5:23-24; see Prov. 28:13). "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently" (Gal. 6:1; see Matt. 18:15). "Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col. 3:13).

Personal peacemaking responses generally produce the most "profitable" exchange; the benefits of your solution are usually worth the time and energy you invest to reach an agreement, especially from a spiritual standpoint. The further you move away from the personal peacemaking zone in either direction, the greater your costs will be, whether in time, money, effort, relationships, or a clear conscience.

litigation is often nothing more than professionally assisted denial and attack.

When I resort to an escape response, I am generally focusing on "me." I am looking for what is easy, convenient, or nonthreatening for myself. When I use an attack response, I am generally focusing on "you," blami...

When I use a peacemaking response, my focus is on "us." I am aware of everyone's interests in the dispute, especially God's, and I am working toward mu...

Those who use the responses on the top of the slippery slope are committed to "peace-making" and will work long and hard to achieve true ju...

Let's begin our discussion by defining conflict as a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone's goals or desires.

Therefore, although we should seek unity in our relationships, we should not demand uniformity (see Eph. 4:1-13).

Most importantly, the Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion to force our will on others, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the love and power of God in our lives.

if you do not focus on God, you will inevitably focus on yourself and your will, or on other people and the threat of their wills.

How can I please and honor God in this situation? In particular, how can I bring praise to Jesus by showing that he has saved me and is changing me?

We must continually breathe in God's grace (through the study of his Word, prayer, worship, and Christian fellowship) and then breathe out his love, mercy, forgiveness, and wisdom to others through our words and actions.

God's highest purpose for you is not to make you comfortable, wealthy, or happy. If you have put your faith in him, he has something far more wonderful in mind-he plans to conform you to the likeness of his Son! He began to change you the day you put your trust in him, and he will continue this process throughout your life. Conflict is one of the many tools that God will use to help you develop a more Christ-like character.

Just as athletes develop their muscles and skills through strenuous training, you will see greater growth when you repeatedly think and behave properly in response to challenging circumstances. For example, when people provoke and frustrate you, practice love and forgiveness. When they fail to act promptly, develop patience. When you are tempted to give up on someone, exercise faithfulness.

God uses conflict to stretch and challenge you in carefully tailored ways. This process is sometimes referred to as the "ABC of spiritual growth": Adversity Builds Character. As you worry less about going through conflict and focus more on growing through conflict, you will enhance that process and experience the incomparable blessing of being conformed to the likeness of Christ.

Glorify God: How can I please and honor God in this situation? Get the log out of your own eye: How can I show Jesus' work in me by taking responsibility for my contribution to this conflict? Gently restore: How can I lovingly serve others by helping them take responsibility for their contribution to this conflict? Go and be reconciled: How can ...

A steward is not supposed to manage things for his own pleasure, convenience, or benefit. Instead, he is expected to follow his master's instructions and look out for his master's interests, even if they conflict with his own personal desires or convenience (John 12:24-26).

The better you know the Bible, the wiser you will be and the more effectively you will deal with conflict.'

internal peace is a by-product of righteousness.

Internal peace comes only from being reconciled to God through his Son, receiving his righteousness and the power to resist sin, and then obeying what God commands.

When peace and unity characterize your relationships with other people, you show that you are God's child and he is present and working in your life (Matt. 5:9).

Jesus prayed that his followers would get along with one another.

Token efforts will not satisfy this command; God wants you to strive earnestly, diligently, and continually to maintain harmonious relationships with those around you.

To be sovereign means to be supreme, unlimited, and totally independent of any other influence. God alone has such power

We will never suffer trials or be involved in disputes unless God allows them and is watching over them. In other words, every conflict that comes into our lives has somehow been ordained by God. Knowing that he has personally tailored the events of our lives and is looking out for us at every moment should dramatically affect the way we respond to conflict.

J. I. Packer writes, "We see that he leaves us in a world of sin to be tried, tested, belaboured by troubles that threaten to crush us-in order that we may glorify him by our patience under suffering, and in order that he may display the riches of his grace and call forth new praises from us as he constantly upholds and delivers us."3

Through our trials, we can set an example that will encourage others to depend on God and remain faithful to his commands

As we trust God with the "secret things," remember all he has already done for us through Christ, and focus our attention on obeying his revealed will, we will experience greater peace within ourselves (Ps. 131; Isa. 26:3) and be enabled to serve him more effectively as peacemakers (Prov. 3:5-7).6

Trusting God means that in spite of our questions, doubts, and fears we draw on his grace and continue to believe that he is loving, that he is in control, and that he is always working for our good. Such trust helps us to continue doing what is good and right, even in difficult circumstances.

Salvation through the gospel, the motivation and power to change, sound guidance through God's Word and Spirit, the resources of the body of Christ, opportunities that come through a sovereign God-all these blessings are available when you are "in the Lord."

Knowledge isn't really knowledge (in a biblical sense) unless you put it into practice.

"We are not called to forgive others in order to earn God's love; rather, having experienced his love, we have the basis and motive to forgive others."2

More specifically, to be reconciled means to replace hostility and separation with peace and friendship.

People who practice cooperative negotiation deliberately seek solutions that are beneficial to everyone involved.

Having a loving concern for others does not mean always giving in to their demands. We do have a responsibility to look out for our own interests (Phil. 2:4). Furthermore, Jesus calls us to be "as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves" (Matt. 10:16). The Greek word phronimos, translated "shrewd" in this passage, means to be "prudent, sensible, and practically wise."' A wise person does not give in to others unless there is a valid reason to do so.

the sooner you devote your time to finding a solution to the problem, the less time you will spend stewing over it.

The more fully you understand and look out for your opponent's interests, the more persuasive and effective you can be in negotiating an agreement.

Christian conciliation is a process for reconciling persons and resolving disputes out of court in a biblically faithful manner.'

anyone who claims to be a follower of Christ will be encouraged to obey God's commands and behave in a manner that will please and honor him.

I have found that many Christians rely more on their own ideas and feelings than they do on the Bible, especially when Scripture commands them to do difficult things. In particular, many people seem to believe they can be sure they are doing what is right if they pray and feel a sense of .11 inner peace." Nowhere does the Bible guarantee that a sense of peace is a sure sign that one is on the right course.

This passage refers to the two dimensions of the will of God. To prevent confusion, I will briefly describe the distinctions between the two. God's sovereign will (also called "decretive will") is the ultimate cause of all things, whether God wills to accomplish them effectively and directly or permits them to occur through the unrestrained actions of people. His sovereign will is not fully revealed to us, but it will always be accomplished (see Isa. 46:9-10). God's revealed will (also called "preceptive will") is the pattern of rules that he commands us to follow in order to glorify him and enjoy fellowship with him. His revealed will is completely revealed in Scripture, but it is often disobeyed.

The more confidence we have that God is both sovereign and good, the meeker we can be. Meekness is an attitude toward God that causes us to accept all his dealings with us as being good, and thus to accept them without resistance or resentment (Rom. 8:28). A meek person is content and thankful no matter what his circumstances (Phil. 4:12-13), because he sees that God has already given him everything he needs in Christ (Matt. 5:5; Rom. 8:31-32). Thus, instead of thinking, "I'm missing out; it's not fair," a meek person thinks about and gives thanks for God's goodness, mercy, power, and provision (Acts 4:23-31; 5:40-42; 7:59-60; John 18:11). Meekness has nothing to do with weakness, for both Moses and Jesus are described in the Bible as being meek (Num. 12:3; Matt. 11:29). In fact, meekness has sometimes been referred to as "power under control." This quality is highly commended throughout Scripture (Ps. 37:11; Matt. 5:5). Meekness has a direct impact on our dealings with other people, especially in the midst of conflict. Knowing that God works for good in all things, a meek person is able to endure mistreatment from others with patience and without resentment or bitterness. Because this attitude does not come to us naturally, we need to pray that the Holy Spirit will work steadily to help us to become meek.