The Divine Conspiracy: Rediscovering Our Hidden Life In God

by Dallas Willard

If our counterattack is unacceptable to ourselves, as it is very likely to be in a family setting, it may be shoved beneath the surface and will then come out in the many forms of behavior that look like something else, for example, perfectionism, procrastination, rejection of authority, or passive/aggressive tendencies such as chronic tardiness or the constant aborting of success—or even in physical symptoms. For condemnation brings anger in return, and anger will attack. And that will very likely move on to contempt, to “You fool!” to shame, or even to physical injury and abuse. And this attack can be and often is turned against oneself by the amazing chemistry of the mind. This reciprocity explains why condemnation as a strategy for correcting or “helping” those near and dear to us will almost always fail. It is extremely rare that anyone who is condemned will respond by changing in the desired way. And those who can so respond are most likely to be spiritual giants already. “Rebuke a wise man,” the proverb says, “and he will love you for it” (Prov. 9:8). Yes, but in most cases where we condemn we are not dealing with wise people. We are dealing with people, even very young people, who will simply be deeply injured, become angry, and repay us in kind.