My bravery’s knees start to buckle when I think about how once upon a time he only used to smile when he saw me. When did that stop? When did I stop being his happy thought? Because he’s still mine. Even when I’ve hated him I’ve loved him. On my worst nights in New York, when I was my saddest and my loneliest, I didn’t go out and sleep with those boys I don’t really know. I lay in my bed and thought about BJ. I wrapped the thoughts of him around my lost heart like a blanket, let them warm me up, let them tear me to pieces, let myself feel the weight of losing him. And for all the pain and all
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