I’ve felt that sticky, gluggy, quicksand feeling of me doing something wrong to the person I care about most every time I had sex with anyone but him. It might have gotten smaller and smaller every time I did it with that specific person. Julian was rather adept at quieting down my heart’s rhetoric that sex was a thing just for Beej and I — and I’d do it more and more often like he used to do, like me acting like him was a bridge back to him. Try to feel closer to BJ in that way, but it never worked. I’d just miss him. I don’t know how many times over the course of our lives we’ve sworn to
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the bolter coded
