What I Wish I Knew When I Was 20

by Tina Seelig

The key to a successful negotiation is to ferret out everyone’s interests so you can maximize the outcome for everyone. This is easier said than done, since most people hold their interests close to the vest, believing this gives them a stronger negotiating position. But oftentimes this strategy is misguided, because in actuality what you want might be right in line with what the other party wants.

the most important outcome of any negotiation is to get to the next negotiation. The first deal is just the beginning. If the first negotiation is fair and balanced, and both parties follow through on their commitments, then chances are the next negotiation will go even more smoothly. As mentioned several times, we live in a very small world, where repeat appearances are the norm.

“What can I do to be helpful to you?” The generosity of this gesture made a huge impression on me. In most cases there was nothing she could do to be helpful, but just knowing she was willing to help if needed was comforting.

Almost everything in life is done in teams, and those who don’t know how to make others successful are at a huge disadvantage. The best team players go to great lengths to make others successful.

I’ve been on teams in which everyone on the team feels as though he or she got the “easy” job. If you think about it, this is the perfect work environment. Each person is doing what he or she does best, and is extremely appreciative of what the other people on the team bring to the table. Everyone has a job perfectly tuned to his or her skills and interests. Everyone feels great about his or her contributions, and celebrates the contributions of others.

One of the biggest things that people do to get in their own way is to take on way too many responsibilities. This eventually leads to frustration all the way around. Life is a huge buffet of enticing platters of possibilities, but putting too much on your plate just leads to indigestion.

in life you can do it all, just not at the same time. One approach is to pick three priorities at any one time, knowing that these will change as your life changes.

Learn how to apologize with a simple “I’m sorry.” Keep in mind that everything is negotiable and learn to navigate toward an outcome in which all parties win. Try to play to other’s strengths, making sure they’re doing what they do best. And do the right thing, as opposed to the smart thing, so you’ll be proud to tell your story later. Finally, don’t take on too much, lest you disappoint yourself and those who count on you.

The last bullet point is, “Never miss an opportunity to be fabulous.” I promise to deliver my very best in each class, and I expect the same from them. I also tell the students that I have no problem giving everyone an “A,” but that the bar is set very high. This is the first and last time I mention this.

I’ve been remarkably surprised by the stickiness of this message. It’s as though students are just waiting to get this instruction. They’re hungry for permission to do their very best, to hit the ball out of the park and to shine their brightest. Unfortunately, in most situations this doesn’t happen. We’re encouraged to “satisfice.” That is, we’re subtly or not so subtly encouraged to do the least amount we can to satisfy the requirements.

Bernie Roth, a Stanford mechanical engineering professor, does a provocative exercise at the d.school to highlight this point. He selects a student to come up to the front of the room and says, “Try to take this empty water bottle out of my hand.” Bernie holds the bottle tightly and the student tries, and inevitably fails, to take it. Bernie then changes the phrasing slightly, saying, “Take the water bottle from my hand.” The student then makes a bigger effort, usually without result. Prodding the student further, Bernie insists that the student take the bottle from him. Usually the student succeeds on the third attempt. The lesson? There’s a big difference between trying to do something and actually doing it.

There’s no excuse for being late, for not handing in an assignment, for failing an exam, for not spending time with your family, for not calling your girlfriend, and so forth. You can manufacture an excuse that’s socially acceptable, such as having too much work or being sick, but if you really wanted to deliver you’d figure out a way to make it happen.

Life isn’t a dress rehearsal, and you won’t get a second chance to do your best.

give yourself permission to challenge assumptions, to look at the world with fresh eyes, to experiment, to fail, to plot your own course, and to test the limits of your abilities. In fact, that’s exactly what I wish I had known when I was twenty, and thirty, and forty—and what I need to constantly remind myself at fifty.

“They are leaving with creative confidence.”2 They know they have permission—both explicit and implicit—to experiment, to fail, and to try again. What we must all recognize is that every one of us has the same permission—we just need to recognize that it’s ours to grant and not something extended from outside.

most things in life, especially our failures, aren’t as important as we think they are at the time.

success is sweet but transient. When you’re in a position of influence, authority, and power, the benefits are wonderful. But once the position is gone, the perks evaporate. Your “power” comes from the position you hold. When you’re no longer in that position, all that goes with it quickly fades away. Therefore, you should not define yourself by your current position nor believe all your own press. Savor the spotlight when you have it, but be ready to yield center stage when it’s time to go.