Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

CLEAR SIGNS OF AN ABUSER WHO ISN’T CHANGING Your partner can make several statements or behave in several ways that clearly indicate he isn’t making progress: He says he can change only if you change too. He says he can change only if you “help” him change, by giving him emotional support, reassurance, and forgiveness, and by spending a lot of time with him. This often means that he wants you to abandon any plans you had to take a break from seeing him. He criticizes you for not realizing how much he has changed. He criticizes you for not trusting that his change will last. He criticizes you for considering him capable of behaving abusively even though he in fact has done so in the past (or has threatened to) as if you should know that he “would never do something like that,” even though he has. He reminds you about the bad things he would have done in the past but isn’t doing anymore, which amounts to a subtle threat. He tells you that you are taking too long to make up your mind, that he can’t “wait forever,” as a way to pressure you not to take the time you need to collect yourself and to assess how much he’s really willing to change. He says, “I’m changing, I’m changing,” but you don’t feel it.