Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person’s self-esteem

esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion.

The abusive man’s charm makes his partner reluctant to reach out for support or assistance because she feels that people will find her revelations hard to believe or will blame her.

Meanwhile, he uses the difficulties that she is having in her relationships with people—many of which may be caused by him—as further proof that she is the one with the problem.

Abusers externalize responsibility for their actions, believing that their partners make them behave in abusive ways.

Abusive men are masters of excuse making. In this respect they are like substance

abusers, who believe that everyone and everything except them is responsible for their actions.