Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER The abuser often believes that the ultimate decision-making authority regarding sex rests with him. He may see his partner as his sexual possession. Sex with an abuser can be especially good, but it can also be a horror show. The two extremes actually result from similar attitudes in the abuser’s mind-set regarding sex. The majority of abusers sexualize power, including some who find violence sexually exciting. Since sexuality is an area of particular vulnerability for most women, an abuser may use any of your sensitivities against you. If you feel uncomfortable about sexual interactions with your partner, listen carefully to your inner voice regarding what is good for you. An abusive man will try to tell you that your discomfort is your own problem rather than a product of his coercive, disrespectful, or humiliating sexual behavior. Women (and men) can heal from injurious sexual experiences, but healing is not likely to happen while abuse continues in the present. Attaining an abuse-free life is thus the first step to sexual wellness.