Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

Stay away from him for as long as you can stand it. Get support during this period from friends, relatives, your religious community, or anyone else you can trust to help you stay strong. Attend counseling or a support group at a program for abused women if there is one in your area, even if your partner has never been violent. Give yourself as much time as possible to heal emotionally and to clear your mind. The separation needs to be long enough to make him really uncomfortable—enough to motivate him to change. Part of what creates discomfort for him is the dawning realization that maybe you really could live without him. A separation that is too short, on the other hand, will serve in his mind as proof that you can’t stand to be on your own, so he will think he can get away with anything. Try to prepare yourself for the possibility that he will start to date someone else during your separation. This is a common move, used to test your strength and get you to lose your resolve and start seeing him again. His new relationship is not very likely to last, so just try to sweat it out.