Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER An abusive man’s emotional problems do not cause his abusiveness. You can’t change him by figuring out what is bothering him, helping him feel better, or improving the dynamics of your relationship. Feelings do not govern abusive or controlling behavior; beliefs, values, and habits are the driving forces. The reasons that an abusive man gives for his behavior are simply excuses. There is no way to overcome a problem with abusiveness by focusing on tangents such as self-esteem, conflict resolution, anger management, or impulse control. Abusiveness is resolved by dealing with abusiveness. Abusers thrive on creating confusion, including confusion about the abuse itself. There is nothing wrong with you. Your partner’s abuse problem is his own.