Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER The early warning signs of abuse are usually visible if you know what to look for. If the warning signs are there, act quickly either to set limits or to get out of the relationship. The more deeply you become involved with an abuser, the harder it is to get out. You do not cause your partner’s slide into abusiveness, and you cannot stop it by figuring out what is bothering him or by increasing your ability to meet his needs. Emotional upset and unmet needs have little to do with abusiveness. Certain behaviors and attitudes are definitional of abuse, such as ridiculing your complaints of mistreatment, physically intimidating you, or sexually assaulting you. If any of these is present, abuse has already begun. Abused women aren’t “codependent.” It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships. Call a hotline for support, or use one of the resources listed in the back of this book, as soon as you start to have questions about abuse. Don’t wait until you’re certain.