Freedom from accountability means that the abusive man considers himself above criticism. If his partner attempts to raise her grievances, she is “nagging” or “provoking” him. He believes he should be permitted to ignore the damage his behavior is causing, and he may become retaliatory if anyone tries to get him to look at it.
THIS IS OUR BIGGEST ISSUE THAT LEADS TO ME FEELING SO HURT!!!
I can’t just tell him that I can’t do something (when he wants me to do that thing). He’ll go on and on about why I should feel differently than I do (questioning my own reality).
When I tell him his words are hurting me, since he’s always questioning whether I can do better or more or whatever and I say I can’t, and he gets annoyed and begins to question me, he just gets defensive.
It goes from me telling him clearly how his behavior had made me feel. “I statements”- I concentrate very hard on only speaking in this way because it’s supposed to decrease defensiveness. It doesn’t seem to work for him, because no matter how I phrase my hurt feelings, he turns it back on him. He’ll say I’m making him feel like a bad person, etc.
This can cause me to find myself actually comforting him, telling him how good of a person he is, and trying to reframe it that I’m not trying to attack him, but I do want him to understand how I feel + want to be better (like I’m constantly striving to do).
