Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

2 to 4 million women are assaulted by their partners per year in the United States.

The American Medical Association reports that one woman out of three will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life.

An abusive man is not a reliable source of information about his partner.

Part of how the abuser escapes confronting himself is by convincing you that you are the cause of his behavior, or that you at least share the blame. But abuse is not a product of bad relationship dynamics, and you cannot make things better by changing your own behavior or by attempting to manage your partner better. Abuse is a problem that lies entirely within the abuser.

The better we understand abusers, the more we can create homes and relationships that are havens of love and safety, as they should be. Peace really does begin at home.

To further divert your gaze, he may work to shape your view of his past partners to keep you from talking to them directly and to prepare you to disbelieve them should you happen to hear what they say.

IF IT IS AN EXCUSE FOR MISTREATING YOU, IT’S A DISTORTION

An abuser almost never does anything that he himself considers morally unacceptable.

an abuser’s core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong.

Their value system is unhealthy, not their psychology.

Never believe a man’s claim that he has to harm his partner in order to protect her; only abusers think this way.

10 percent believed that it was acceptable to hit a female partner for refusing to have sex, and 20 percent believed that it was acceptable to do so if the man suspected her of cheating.

One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him.

If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.

Abusiveness can be thought of as a recipe that involves a consistent set of ingredients: control, entitlement, disrespect, excuses, and justifications (including victim blaming)—elements that are always present, often accompanied by physical intimidation or violence.

Violence is not just punches and slaps; it is anything that puts you in physical fear or that uses your body to control you.

When people think about forced sex, they picture physical assault. So when an abuser forces sex through pressure or manipulation or sleep deprivation, a woman doesn’t know what to call it and may blame herself.

“Looking back on it now, I can see that I was raped over and over again for more than ten years.”

The only time an abusive man will deal with his issues enough to become someone you can live with is when you prove to him, and to yourself, that you are capable of living without him.