Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person’s self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion.

Abusiveness is not a product of a man’s emotional injuries or of deficits in his skills. In reality, abuse springs from a man’s early cultural training, his key male role models, and his peer influences. In other words, abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology.

Abusers are unwilling to be nonabusive, not unable. They do not want to give up power and control.

Although mental health issues do not cause abusiveness, they can intensify a man’s violent tendencies.

Many abusers who are not mentally ill want women to think that they are, in order to avoid responsibility for their attitudes and behavior.

An abuser of any type can have days when he turns loving, attentive, and thoughtful. At these times, you may feel that his problem has finally gone away and that the relationship will return to its rosy beginning. However, abuse always comes back eventually unless the abuser has dealt with his abusiveness.

The idyllic opening is part of almost every abusive relationship. How else would an abuser ever have a partner? Women aren’t stupid.