Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

by Lundy Bancroft

When I criticize my clients about their drunken abusiveness, they sometimes respond: “But I was in a blackout.”

a blackout is a memory disconnection that happens after a drunk person passes out, causing the person to no longer know what occurred upon awakening. The person was still conscious during the event.

even if substances could cause people to “lose control,” the abusive man would still be responsible for his actions while intoxicated because he made the choice to impair himself with alcohol or drugs.

A man’s claim that he is not fully responsible for his mistreatment of his partner because he was drunk is simply another manifestation of the abusive mentality.

A man’s abusiveness strengthens his denial of his substance-abuse problem, as he can blame all of his life difficulties on his partner.

An abusive man typically believes that his use or abuse of substances is none of his partner’s business.

no matter how burdened she is with household responsibilities because he is out partying, no matter how much worse he may treat her while intoxicated, he nonetheless feels entitled to use substances as he chooses.

If she criticizes him for his selfishness or confronts him with the effects that his partying has on her life, he feels justified in calling her a “nag” or a “bitch” or labeling her “controlling.”

irresponsible use of alcohol or drugs is another one of the privileges that the abusive man may award himself, and he may use psychological or physical ass...

Facing up to a problem with partner abuse, and changing it, is a profoundly complex and uncomfortable process that requires consistent commitment over a long period of time.

It takes tremendous courage for a man to be honest with himself, to reevaluate his ways of thinking about his partner, and to accept how much emotional injury he has caused her.