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“Holy fuck. You can smile.” A laugh bursts out of my mouth, and I swear to God, you’d think I just made Felix’s day. He looks so proud to hear it.
She died when I was seven.” “Shit. I’m sorry.” “It’s okay. You didn’t give her cancer.”
I want him to know it doesn’t really bother me, I’m just curious about his reason. I want to tell him it hasn’t always been exclusively girls for me.
can I drive us tonight? please? my car stopped smelling like u and it sucks so much :(
“Can you say it? Please?” Can I say it? Yes. I so very easily can. “He touched you. Nobody touches you.”
“The only reason I haven’t fucked you yet is because you’re my sponsor.”
“We’d be so good together. I just know we would.”
“Everything is stacked against us,” I say. “We’d be a tragedy, Felix. This wouldn’t work.” His smile is confusing. “You don’t agree?” I ask, and how fucked up is it that I actually hope he doesn’t. “No. I agree.” He steps closer and presses one (last) kiss to my mouth. “I just know that wouldn’t stop me.”
“You love me.” “I tolerate you.”
They kissed and it was like seeing God.” Dean narrows his eyes. “Seeing God. Really.” “Yes.” “I thought you said this was hypothetical.” “It is! I meant a hypothetical god. You know I’m not religious.” “So, you didn’t kiss Jake.” “Oh. No, I totally did.”
“Do you really want to risk your sobriety for a maybe?” I expect to hear myself scream yes and to get in his face and argue back because I want this too badly, and I’m surprised when I don’t. I give up on this wish so easily.
What do you get the person you love when you’ve already given them your heart?”
Who actually feels good about themselves when they feel like crying?
He saves my selfies. Every single one of them. He has an entire photo album dedicated to ME.
I’ve never had to visit anyone at a cemetery, but I imagine it’s something you’d want to do in private.
That combination could’ve killed me, but I’m an addict and we don’t give a fuck, do we. Pills are pills, and I swallowed it so fucking fast.”
And if holding your hand like you’re my boyfriend wasn’t a hint; I’ll spell it out for you—I want you to be my boyfriend.”
“If I had to knock your smartass out, I would’ve done it. I would’ve kept you out, Jake. Tackled you. Fucking dragged you. Whatever I needed to do. Even if it meant swallowing every fucking pill in that house—I’d do it so you couldn’t.”
“I’m getting to the romance, baby.” His cheeks burn instantly. “Was it the baby?” I tease, running my nose along his. “Do you like that?” “Yeah. It was hot.” “So be my boyfriend, and I’ll call you that all the time.”
“I totally ship you guys by the way!”
“I know what this is,” Jake says, mouth buried in my hair. “You forget I’m just as fucked up as you are, Felix, so I know what happens after the high wears off. I loved blow, remember? That paranoia shit while you’re withdrawing fucking sucks. You don’t need to explain it to me, and you don’t need to tell me you’re sorry, okay? I’ve been through it.” I sniffle, hugging the extra pillow tighter. “I want you. I’m going to fuck you. And we’re not just going to be fucking around either. I can’t believe you’d ask me that shit.”
I let you jerk me off once, and you’re like, completely obsessed with me.” “Pretty much.”
and I swear he looks at anything containing sugar the same way I look at him.
“Be straight with me.” “No can do, bro. The only straight I am is straight up gay
“Because my sobriety should be the most important thing to me, and I’m not sure it is anymore.”
I’ll probably be dead
“You make me feel better than any drug I’ve ever taken. And I’ve taken a lot of drugs, Felix.”
I’ve lived so long without anyone giving a shit or caring about me, and I’m sure I could live longer without it, but I don’t want to. I want to matter to someone every day forever
You were just a kid, Felix. And if he wasn’t making sure you felt unloved and unwanted, he left you alone. He should’ve loved you. So fuck him.”
