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And after seven years and three tours and all the bullshit that came with that, I still didn’t want to use. I had beaten it. I was twenty-eight when I found out that I’ll never beat it. My name is Jake Tully, and I’m an addict.
I’m not sure I’m in the mood to play whatever game this guy is trying to play. I don’t know him, and I sure as fuck don’t owe him anything. But I follow him anyway. It sort of feels like I have to.
“Holy fuck. You can smile.” A laugh bursts out of my mouth, and I swear to God, you’d think I just made Felix’s day. He looks so proud to hear it.
Maybe he’s nervous I’ll point out that he did the same thing yesterday on the sidewalk when I tried to give him some space, and I want to. I want to know why he keeps doing it. I want him to know it doesn’t really bother me, I’m just curious about his reason. I want to tell him it hasn’t always been exclusively girls for me.
can I drive us tonight? please? my car stopped smelling like u and it sucks so much :(
“Jake. We don’t out people. That’s fucked.” “Yeah, Jake. That’s fucked.” “We wouldn’t do that to you. Which is why we’re asking our questions now. With just us here.”
I love them so much
“Jake.” “Mm?” But it doesn’t matter how little light I have right now because I hear Felix swallow before he asks me again, “Can you say it? Please?” Can I say it? Yes. I so very easily can. “He touched you. Nobody touches you.”
“The only reason I haven’t fucked you yet is because you’re my sponsor.”
“We’d be so good together. I just know we would.”
“Everything is stacked against us,” I say. “We’d be a tragedy, Felix. This wouldn’t work.” His smile is confusing. “You don’t agree?” I ask, and how fucked up is it that I actually hope he doesn’t. “No. I agree.” He steps closer and presses one (last) kiss to my mouth. “I just know that wouldn’t stop me.”
He saves my selfies. Every single one of them. He has an entire photo album dedicated to ME. Holy fucking fuck.
I’m attracted to Felix in the most basic, biological way. He makes my dick hard. That’s enough for me to want to be around him, even if he wasn’t my sponsor or friend. But I think it’s more than that. I like him. Who he is and how he acts. I like him enough to change my plans last minute. I’d like him even if we never fuck. And that… could be a problem.
“Okay. Change the subject,” he says, backing out of the parking spot. “I don’t know—uh. Have you ever done mushrooms?” “Drugs? Really? That’s what you change the subject to? We’re addicts, you idiot!” “Look. It’s hard thinking of something right now that doesn’t involve you taking my dick.”
“Oh, fuck the rules. Jesus. You gotta know I don’t give a shit about rules at this point, Felix. I just had my tongue inside your mouth again. And if holding your hand like you’re my boyfriend wasn’t a hint; I’ll spell it out for you—I want you to be my boyfriend.”
“I’m going to be honest with you.” “Good. I want you to be.” “I think the whole best friend thing is stupid, Felix.” I wince. “It’s not though…” “But,” he’s quick to say. “If someone asked me today who my best friend was, I’d tell them it’s you.”
This is why junkies stay high, because who can stand feeling this low all the time?
Look, I just—” He quickly shakes his head. “I think I’m average looking most of the time, but then you look at me the way you do or suck on my neck like that, and I feel like I could easily top you when I’ve never been that guy. I’m not the fucking hero with the cool name. And I love hearing you say how much you like it when I am that way with you, but I can’t be that guy all the time, Jake. My stupid brain won’t let me.”
“See, I could never stand like that and pull it off like you’re doing. You could fucking model, Jake.” “And you could make me want to suck dick even if I was straight.” He blushes so fast. “Wow. Best compliment ever.”
“I don’t think about you not beating this, because if you don’t, then I won’t.” Jake shoots me a glare. “Fuck you. Don’t put that on me.” “I’m not! I’m not saying that to try and guilt trip you into staying sober. It’s just… it’s the truth. I’m scared too. You have to fight this with me, Jake. You can’t stop fighting it. Okay?”
“When I walked into the house yesterday, you smiled so damn big, and you always do that. You always look at me like I’m not a failure at everything or even capable of screwing up. You have all this hope in me, Felix, and you’re happy just having me around, and not just because I’m not out using if I’m with you. You’re the first person to ever look at me like that.”
Jake settles with his head on my chest, and I run my fingers through the ends of his hair, the way he’s always doing to me, and I’d fall asleep if our positions were reversed, but I don’t ask to switch. I’m content with lying awake and never sleeping again, because I think Jake is in love with me.
I’ve never wanted anything the way I want to get high. But when I’m hunched over Felix with my dick buried in his ass, I’m not sure I can say that anymore.
slow my strokes so I don’t blow and blow this. But I’m playing a losing game. Because I don’t dare close my eyes, I can’t. And it’s either lift my head and catch that wrecked look on Felix’s face when he peers back at me with his pupils blown and his cheeks flushed and his pretty curls stuck out and sticking to his forehead. Or. Looking down and watching my dick disappear into the world’s most perfect hole.
Where Will I Be In Four Years Alive. I want to be alive and with Jake. I want this forever.
“I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel. What can I do?” He leans on the counter, elbows bracing his weight, and says, “Stay alive.”
“You make me feel better than any drug I’ve ever taken.”
“You make me feel better than any drug I’ve ever taken. And I’ve taken a lot of drugs, Felix.”
“I need this to work, Felix. I’m not going to have another chance. I know I’m not.” “And it’ll work. I know it will. Do you know how I know?” “How?” “Because I’ve waited my whole life for you. And for this. Us.” I squeeze his hands. “You’re my fucking family, Jake, and we’ll fight this. Together.”
“But I love you,” I whimper. “I love you too. I’m not going to stop.” “It feels like you are…” It feels like you already have. “You’re my fucking soulmate, Felix, and I don’t even believe in that shit.” I turn my head, and we lock eyes. “I promise, I’m not stopping,” Jake says, his voice urgent. “I’m supposed to be here with you. I know I am. But I don’t think I’m going to make it if I don’t do this, and I know this is like, so fucking shitty of me to ask you to wait and be with me when I don’t even know when I’m coming back, but I’m asking it, Felix. Okay? I’m asking it.”
And you work, Felix. Are you really going to drive six hours one way just to spend a day with me?” “I’d drive six hours one way just to spend an hour with you.”
Today, I am eight hundred and twenty-seven days sober. My name is Jake Tully and I’m an addict. And I’ll always be an addict. I’ll never beat this. But I’ll keep going to meetings, and I’ll talk to my sponsor (who I’m going to ask to marry me), and I’ll fight this until I win. We are going to win.
