The Tragedy of Felix and Jake

by J. Daniels

I don’t know what it’s like to be an addict. I don’t have that experience, and I hope I never do. But I do know what it’s like to love an addict. And what it’s like to stop loving them.

I’ve also witnessed the way someone can love another unconditionally when it would be so much easier not to. And the strength it takes to do that is immeasurable.

I hope you think of this story long after you finish reading it. I know I do.

For anyone who has ever loved an addict.

This is a love story. It’s messy complicated and kind of ugly sometimes. It’s also made of magical things like forehead kisses. It’s our tragedy. Love fucking rules, Felix <3

“Can you say it? Please?” Can I say it? Yes. I so very easily can. “He touched you. Nobody touches you.”

“The only reason I haven’t fucked you yet is because you’re my sponsor.”

Now I’ll never know what it feels like to really kiss you. And that kills me.”

I close my eyes, groaning low in my throat. “Fuck. You’re mean.”

“Everything is stacked against us,” I say. “We’d be a tragedy, Felix. This wouldn’t work.” His smile is confusing. “You don’t agree?” I ask, and how fucked up is it that I actually hope he doesn’t. “No. I agree.” He steps closer and presses one (last) kiss to my mouth. “I just know that wouldn’t stop me.”

Life is about balance, right? I know there’s a balance, and when you think things are going great, that’s usually when something bad happens. Just like when you’re about to give up, a little sliver of light brightens up the dark.

I’m only focusing on all the bad stuff. But trust me, there’s a lot of bad. A lot of it. So much so, that when you get done hearing about it, you’ll think wow, that’s too much bad for one person, Felix. You don’t exaggerate at all. And you’re right. Why can’t you have this one thing?

And who wants to take a selfie when they’re sad? Who actually feels good about themselves when they feel like crying?

He saves my selfies. Every single one of them. He has an entire photo album dedicated to ME. Holy fucking fuck. Ah, god. I like that way too much.

“There’s so much stuff in here,” Jake says in wonder, finger fishing through the snacks. “Pretzels. M&M’s. Oreos. I thought you were just giving me a bowl of popcorn.” “Um, can you say boring?” I sit beside him and fucking grin when Bella jumps down, then I lean forward and set our glasses on the coffee table. “I like salty and sweet bites with popcorn. And the M&M’s get all melted and coat everything in the bowl. It’s good. Trust me.”

And if holding your hand like you’re my boyfriend wasn’t a hint; I’ll spell it out for you—I want you to be my boyfriend.”

Then he presses a kiss to my forehead before moving away. I watch him walk over to the oven.

And I only let that cheap little dig slide because I have a thing about forehead kisses.

They’re...

I’d tell myself to hang on and wait. I’d say it gets better. Fourteen-year-old Felix could use a little hope. More like a ton of hope.

Fourteen-year-old Felix never thought he’d ever have anything or anyone and couldn’t even imagine being alive at twenty-three. He could list reason after reason for why his life sucked, and I couldn’t do that now.

It’s that I’m so happy you exist look.

And when someone looks at you like they’re grateful you’re alive and they’re lucky to even know you, it’s the best feeling in the world.

“Okay. Hey. It’s okay. What’s that shit about distance and loving someone more because you never see them or something? And it’s only ninety days. Three months is nothing. It’ll be fine.”

“Because I’ve waited my whole life for you. And for this. Us.” I squeeze his hands. “You’re my fucking family, Jake, and we’ll fight this. Together.”

“We’ll be okay,” he tells me, knowing I need to hear it again.

Today, I am eight hundred and twenty-seven days sober. My name is Jake Tully and I’m an addict. And I’ll always be an addict. I’ll never beat this. But I’ll keep going to meetings, and I’ll talk to my sponsor (who I’m going to ask to marry me), and I’ll fight this until I win. We are going to win.