The Tragedy of Felix and Jake

by J. Daniels

I promised him it was the last time when I stole from our parents to get high and my own brother, my own flesh and blood had to arrest me. I swore to him that I was done fucking up my life and his and theirs. I was going to do better. And he said he knew I could do it, he believed in me.

I’m jobless and homeless. I’m an addict who just lost seven years of sobriety. I’m a Marine (former) who’s been dishonorably discharged. And I want to get high, again. Right now, even though my life is over because of it. That’s how I really know I’m fucked.

And after seven years and three tours and all the bullshit that came with that, I still didn’t want to use. I had beaten it. I was twenty-eight when I found out that I’ll never beat it. My name is Jake Tully, and I’m an addict.

“So, is this just a localized issue?” I ask. “Or are we, as a nation, screwing up hardcore when it comes to snack foods for junkies.”

A laugh bursts out of my mouth, and I swear to God, you’d think I just made Felix’s day. He looks so proud to hear it.

I want him to know it doesn’t really bother me, I’m just curious about his reason. I want to tell him it hasn’t always been exclusively girls for me.

I wet my dry lips and feel this pounding throb in my dick when Felix watches the motion of my tongue like it’s the most interesting thing in the world to him.

This really shouldn’t happen. We really shouldn’t happen.

“Sure,” I say. Sure sounds safe. Not a yes. Not a hell yes. Not a you have no idea how much I like it.

I hate everything about being sober and addiction and weakness. But I don’t hate drugs. Right now, I fucking want them.

I know I can’t give in to it, not even a little, which would include picturing those curls and that timid smile and the way he looks at me like he needs more to happen between us while I jack off in the shower.

can I drive us tonight? please? my car stopped smelling like u and it sucks so much :(

I guess it’s easier if I’m not staring into his eyes so intently, the world around us could burn and I wouldn’t even notice.

Hector grabs another slice of pizza from the center of the table. “I don’t know many chicks named Felix, Jake.” “Me either,” Miguel says. “So why were you calling him a lady in the truck?” Miguel almost looks hurt. “Jake. We don’t out people. That’s fucked.” “Yeah, Jake. That’s fucked.”

Does this guy own a shirt with sleeves? I’m beginning to wonder what the fuck he does when it gets colder in Alabama. Maybe he’ll ask to wear one of my hoodies.

“Can you say it? Please?” Can I say it? Yes. I so very easily can. “He touched you. Nobody touches you.”

His lips are warm and spit slick. He groans, and it’s so soft, so weak-sounding, I want to burst.

“The only reason I haven’t fucked you yet is because you’re my sponsor.”

“Shit. I wish you would’ve kissed me back,” he says, meeting my gaze. His tone melancholy. “That was our one moment to be stupid, and you didn’t take it, you fucking saint. Now I’ll never know what it feels like to really kiss you. And that kills me.”

And I know Felix isn’t expecting this because he gasps just as our lips brush. Lips parting just enough for me to lick my way inside.

I can barely make out the quick stroke of his hand. “I’m close already,” he says. “Think I can beat you?” Bet. Fuck it.

“Everything is stacked against us,” I say. “We’d be a tragedy, Felix. This wouldn’t work.” His smile is confusing. “You don’t agree?” I ask, and how fucked up is it that I actually hope he doesn’t. “No. I agree.” He steps closer and presses one (last) kiss to my mouth. “I just know that wouldn’t stop me.”

“But maybe we’ll be different,” I say. I sound broken. “Maybe we’ll make each other better and not worse.” “Do you really want to risk your sobriety for a maybe?”

Felix has no idea how angry I was reading those guidelines the other night. It’s like someone saying “Yeah. You’re doing a great job with your sobriety and everything, but fuck you for wanting someone after messing up so badly. For thinking you deserve someone. You’re still too much of a loser and we know you’ll screw it up. Stay alone and sober, prick.”

And how annoying is it to ask people to move their cars? I hate doing that shit. It’s embarrassing for no reason,

“Oh. You have a cat.” “No. Not a cat.” I shut and lock the door. “I have a malicious housemate who hates everyone, especially me.

“She hates being touched!” I step closer and then freeze halfway into the kitchen when I hear a hiss. “Seriously? I feed you, you psycho. I’m the reason you’re even alive, and you let some stranger pet you?”

Plus, I can make us breakfast in the morning. I think I’m good at that.” The corner of his mouth lifts. “I like breakfast.” Fuck yes, he does. FUCK YES HE DOES.

I’d fuck him bare if he’d let me. I want it so bad. Too bad to do the right thing. Please walk in. Please walk in. Please walk in. I rub my thumb over a pulsating vein.

And then there’s Felix. Jesus. Felix. He’s standing at the sink, rinsing something. His back is to me, and he’s only wearing gray sweatpants. Nothing else.

“You know we can’t.” “Yeah, but we would.” We lock eyes, both of us breaking away and looking down at the same time and fuck, we’re so screwed. We’re a time bomb, ticking. At least one of us should have some fucking sense, but I’m jacking off in Felix’s house and moaning his name, begging him to hear me, and he’s admitting to having zero willpower if given the opportunity to hook up, and we’re supposed to keep our hands off each other for years?

I’m attracted to Felix in the most basic, biological way.

And if holding your hand like you’re my boyfriend wasn’t a hint; I’ll spell it out for you—I want you to be my boyfriend.”

“Come on,” he says, grabbing my hand and pulling. And I think I’d follow him anywhere.

“I want you. I’m going to fuck you. And we’re not just going to be fucking around either. I can’t believe you’d ask me that shit.” Breath bursts out of my mouth. “I didn’t⁠—” “I know why you asked, okay? I get it. But it still pissed me off to hear. Only because it’s you, and I think you’d accept that from me if that’s what I asked for, and you shouldn’t, Felix. You deserve more than that.

and I get the greatest fucking show of my life when he yanks his boxers down just enough to fist his cock and beats off using my cum as lube.

“Now tell me you understand that I can’t help the way I feel about myself and that you know I’m trying, I’m trying so hard, Jake, but I can’t see myself how you see me, and I might not ever will, and you need to be okay with that.”

“I would’ve invited you to my birthday party. To all of them.”

I’ve never wanted anything the way I want to get high. But when I’m hunched over Felix with my dick buried in his ass, I’m not sure I can say that anymore.

“You want to know how to make me feel good all the time?” “If it involves removing your hoodie, then no.” “It doesn’t.” “Okay. Then yes. Tell me and I’ll start doing it.” His smile is slow and beautiful. “Exist, Felix.” “What?” “I just need you to exist. Stay here with me.

But Jake keeps his smile as he says, “You make me feel better than any drug I’ve ever taken.”

I think you’re saying you love me too, but no one’s ever said that to me besides my mom. Even though I know Dean loves me, but this is different. Right?” “If he loves you like I do, we have a problem.” Whoa.

Jake smirks and slides his hand around my neck to tug me flush against him, and we kiss like we’re in love. Because guess what? We are. :)

“I don’t want to be like this anymore,” I cry. “Please help me. Please? I need you.”

I’ve lived so long without anyone giving a shit or caring about me, and I’m sure I could live longer without it, but I don’t want to. I want to matter to someone every day forever. And I want that someone to be Jake.

“Because I’ve waited my whole life for you. And for this. Us.” I squeeze his hands. “You’re my fucking family, Jake, and we’ll fight this. Together.”

“But I love you,” I whimper. “I love you too. I’m not going to stop.” “It feels like you are…” It feels like you already have.

“I’m not proposing to you in a cemetery.” “Technically, we’re in the parking lot surrounding the cemetery.” “It’s still fucking creepy.” “Creepy or romantic.” “Creepy.” “Or—

Today, I am eight hundred and twenty-seven days sober. My name is Jake Tully and I’m an addict. And I’ll always be an addict. I’ll never beat this. But I’ll keep going to meetings, and I’ll talk to my sponsor (who I’m going to ask to marry me), and I’ll fight this until I win. We are going to win.

Dear Reader, We did it :) Jake + Felix Tully <3