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For anyone who has ever loved an addict.
I was twenty-eight when I found out that I’ll never beat it. My name is Jake Tully, and I’m an addict.
“Holy fuck. You can smile.” A laugh bursts out of my mouth, and I swear to God, you’d think I just made Felix’s day. He looks so proud to hear it.
“Hell yeah. Having nothing but time on your hands isn’t a good thing. Not for us. You need to occupy yourself.”
I want him to know it doesn’t really bother me, I’m just curious about his reason. I want to tell him it hasn’t always been exclusively girls for me.
can I drive us tonight? please? my car stopped smelling like u and it sucks so much :(
“Can you say it? Please?” Can I say it? Yes. I so very easily can. “He touched you. Nobody touches you.”
“The only reason I haven’t fucked you yet is because you’re my sponsor.”
“Everything is stacked against us,” I say. “We’d be a tragedy, Felix. This wouldn’t work.” His smile is confusing. “You don’t agree?” I ask, and how fucked up is it that I actually hope he doesn’t. “No. I agree.” He steps closer and presses one (last) kiss to my mouth. “I just know that wouldn’t stop me.”
“You know we can’t.” “Yeah, but we would.”
I back up two steps when I want to surge forward and look closer, feel the white underneath my fingertip. Taste and let it light me up. My nostrils flare.
He told me he likes contact. And now, so do I.
And if holding your hand like you’re my boyfriend wasn’t a hint; I’ll spell it out for you—I want you to be my boyfriend.”
“More romance please. I’m not an object.” I burst out laughing. “I’m getting to the romance, baby.” His cheeks burn instantly. “Was it the baby?” I tease, running my nose along his. “Do you like that?” “Yeah. It was hot.” “So be my boyfriend, and I’ll call you that all the time.” “Ungh.” Felix drops his head against my shoulder. “That was so fucking smooth.”
“Come on,” he says, grabbing my hand and pulling. And I think I’d follow him anywhere.
This is why junkies stay high, because who can stand feeling this low all the time?
I can’t even recover from a hard day at work like a normal person because my brain wants to kill me. What’s the downside of using again? I can’t seem to remember. My old roommate’s Oxy would taste incredible right now. A couple Percs would make me feel great (and simultaneously nothing at all), and fuck, is this always going to be my life?
think I’m average looking most of the time, but then you look at me the way you do or suck on my neck like that, and I feel like I could easily top you when I’ve never been that guy. I’m not the fucking hero with the cool name. And I love hearing you say how much you like it when I am that way with you, but I can’t be that guy all the time, Jake. My stupid brain won’t let me.”
“So, you like messy things?” “I like you so, yeah.”
“Because I’ve waited my whole life for you. And for this. Us.” I squeeze his hands. “You’re my fucking family, Jake, and we’ll fight this. Together.”
“I’d drive six hours one way just to spend an hour with you.”
Today, I am eight hundred and twenty-seven days sober. My name is Jake Tully and I’m an addict. And I’ll always be an addict. I’ll never beat this. But I’ll keep going to meetings, and I’ll talk to my sponsor (who I’m going to ask to marry me), and I’ll fight this until I win. We are going to win.
Six Hundred And Thirty-Three Days Later (Four Years Total) Dear Reader, We did it :) Jake + Felix Tully <3 The End