The Tragedy of Felix and Jake

by J. Daniels

“Jake! Goddamn it!” He grips my shoulders, shaking me hard. “What. Did. You. Take?” I smile, but he doesn’t, and I want to laugh in CJ’s face. He should be happy I’m happy. Why isn’t he? I blink. My brother looks miserable, and I feel like a fucking god.

And after seven years and three tours and all the bullshit that came with that, I still didn’t want to use. I had beaten it. I was twenty-eight when I found out that I’ll never beat it. My name is Jake Tully, and I’m an addict.

Yes, he sends me heart emojis. Old school ones. You know: <3 And no, I’m not sending them back. Or acknowledging I’ve received any. So, you see? I’m fine. Nothing else is happening. No one needs to worry. I’ve got this. Keep reading to find out how much of a liar I am.

“Can you say it? Please?” Can I say it? Yes. I so very easily can. “He touched you. Nobody touches you.”

“Shit. I wish you would’ve kissed me back,” he says, meeting my gaze. His tone melancholy. “That was our one moment to be stupid, and you didn’t take it, you fucking saint. Now I’ll never know what it feels like to really kiss you. And that kills me.”

“We can’t do this again.” “I know.” “I wish we could.” He simply nods with his eyes downcast, and I don’t think he’s going to respond. But then he kills me. “We’d be so good together. I just know we would.”

“We’d be a tragedy, Felix. This wouldn’t work.” His smile is confusing. “You don’t agree?” I ask, and how fucked up is it that I actually hope he doesn’t. “No. I agree.” He steps closer and presses one (last) kiss to my mouth. “I just know that wouldn’t stop me.”

“It wasn’t that hot in there, was it?” No. It was you. Saving my selfies to a separate album. Sending me old school heart emojis. You know, basically just wrecking me.

tomorrow we can bang if you want I nearly drop the phone on my face. ***hang I meant we can hang shit

“Glad you’re okay. You really messed him up when he couldn’t find you. He cried and everything. It was really sweet.” Felix immediately looks over at me. “Was that necessary to share?” I grunt, making my brother laugh. “Later,” he calls out, closing the door.

“Oh, fuck the rules. Jesus. You gotta know I don’t give a shit about rules at this point, Felix. I just had my tongue inside your mouth again. And if holding your hand like you’re my boyfriend wasn’t a hint; I’ll spell it out for you—I want you to be my boyfriend.”

“I’m sick of rules, Felix. It sucks trying to stay sober when you can’t even fuck who you want to fuck.” “More romance please. I’m not an object.” I burst out laughing. “I’m getting to the romance, baby.”

I still don’t think it’s a good idea, especially now, but you already knew that. And your boyfriend takes my advice as well as you do. You two are perfect for each other.” “Thank you. That’s what I’ve been saying.”

“Your best friend is really tired,” I say through a yawn. “Are you going to refer to yourself as that from now on? Warn me now if you are.” “Well, either that or boyfriend. I’m equally proud of both titles.”

“Hey. It’s okay.” He kisses me again. “I’m a total fucking bastard when I’m coming off coke. Hopefully you never have to see that.” “I won’t.” “You sound pretty damn sure. Do you really believe in me that much?” “Of course, I do.”

“You can know how sexy you are, or I can remind you—I really don’t fucking care. But what you’re not going to do is put yourself down in front of me and expect me to just stand here and take it. You’re trashing something that’s important to me, Felix. Don’t fucking do that.”

“Yeah, Felix. I think your name is sexy.” His hand pushes through my hair and palms the back of my head, and he leans in, lips against my ear. “Want me to make you moan it, Jake?” I close my eyes when his lips hit my throat and groan, “Fuck yeah.”

“Did you do anything else? Tell me now. I’m worried what another surprise from you will do to me.” I’ll blurt out I think I’m in love with you. I know I will.

“You’re sweet, Jake.” “No, I’m not. I just really like you.”

“I don’t think about you not beating this, because if you don’t, then I won’t.” Jake shoots me a glare. “Fuck you. Don’t put that on me.” “I’m not! I’m not saying that to try and guilt trip you into staying sober. It’s just… it’s the truth. I’m scared too. You have to fight this with me, Jake. You can’t stop fighting it. Okay?”

I have a thing about forehead kisses. They’re magic.

You always look at me like I’m not a failure at everything or even capable of screwing up. You have all this hope in me, Felix, and you’re happy just having me around, and not just because I’m not out using if I’m with you. You’re the first person to ever look at me like that.”

“Does it matter less if I’m not trying to do that? Because I’m just reacting to seeing you.” “No. It matters more.” Jake steps closer until the plate I’m holding presses into the skin on his stomach. “It matters more than everything. Than everything. And so do you.”

Jake settles with his head on my chest, and I run my fingers through the ends of his hair, the way he’s always doing to me, and I’d fall asleep if our positions were reversed, but I don’t ask to switch. I’m content with lying awake and never sleeping again, because I think Jake is in love with me.

I kiss my way up his spine, lips tasting the sweat on his Handle With Care tattoo, and I think to myself everyone fucking better.

Where Will I Be In Four Years Alive. I want to be alive and with Jake. I want this forever.

Where do you think you’ll be in four years?” “Four years specifically?” “Yep.” “I don’t know. Sober. With you.

“I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel. What can I do?” He leans on the counter, elbows bracing his weight, and says, “Stay alive.”

“You want to know how to make me feel good all the time?” “If it involves removing your hoodie, then no.” “It doesn’t.” “Okay. Then yes. Tell me and I’ll start doing it.” His smile is slow and beautiful. “Exist, Felix.” “What?” “I just need you to exist. Stay here with me. That’s it. That’s all you have to do.”

“You make me feel better than any drug I’ve ever taken. And I’ve taken a lot of drugs, Felix.” “Well, have you tried heroin? Because I hear that’s pretty fucking amazing. You can ask Dean about it. He’s in the back.” I quickly fan at my face. “Are you fucking insane?” he asks. “What the fuck? Did you really just say that to me?” “I didn’t mean it! I’m nervous!”

I think you’re saying you love me too, but no one’s ever said that to me besides my mom. Even though I know Dean loves me, but this is different. Right?” “If he loves you like I do, we have a problem.”

“Holy shit. You love me, Jake.” “I really fucking do.” “I always wondered what this would feel like.” “It’s good, right?” “Yes. It’s everything!

“I couldn’t live if something happens to you. And I got a lot to live for, Jake. I’m trying to build this family with Riley, but if I don’t have my brother…” He pauses, his eyes flooding with tears. “I won’t make it if you don’t. So, I need you to do this. Okay? I need you to beat this. For me, and for Felix, for Riley and what I have with her… Please, Jake. Okay? Please?”

Because no one has ever looked at me the way Jake looks at me. Moms don’t count. It’s that I’m so happy you exist look. I’m sure you know it. Most people do. And when someone looks at you like they’re grateful you’re alive and they’re lucky to even know you, it’s the best feeling in the world.

I’ve lived so long without anyone giving a shit or caring about me, and I’m sure I could live longer without it, but I don’t want to. I want to matter to someone every day forever. And I want that someone to be Jake.

“I need this to work, Felix. I’m not going to have another chance. I know I’m not.” “And it’ll work. I know it will. Do you know how I know?” “How?” “Because I’ve waited my whole life for you. And for this. Us.” I squeeze his hands. “You’re my fucking family, Jake, and we’ll fight this. Together.”

“I’m supposed to be here with you. I know I am. But I don’t think I’m going to make it if I don’t do this, and I know this is like, so fucking shitty of me to ask you to wait and be with me when I don’t even know when I’m coming back, but I’m asking it, Felix. Okay? I’m asking it.”

“What if this goes on for a while and I don’t come home for months or longer? And you work, Felix. Are you really going to drive six hours one way just to spend a day with me?” “I’d drive six hours one way just to spend an hour with you.”

“Hey, little brother,” he says, squeezing my back. “We’ve been here before, haven’t we?” I nod and hold on to him tighter. “It’s easier this time, and maybe it shouldn’t be. But I can leave you here because I know you can do this, Jake. I don’t have one fucking doubt. Okay?” “I’m scared,” I mumble. “I know.” “I need you to look out for Felix for me, okay? He doesn’t⁠—” “I got him, Jake.”

Today, I am eight hundred and twenty-seven days sober. My name is Jake Tully and I’m an addict. And I’ll always be an addict. I’ll never beat this. But I’ll keep going to meetings, and I’ll talk to my sponsor (who I’m going to ask to marry me), and I’ll fight this until I win. We are going to win.

Six Hundred And Thirty-Three Days Later (Four Years Total) Dear Reader, We did it :) Jake + Felix Tully <3