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I was twenty-eight when I found out that I’ll never beat it. My name is Jake Tully, and I’m an addict.
I want him to know it doesn’t really bother me, I’m just curious about his reason. I want to tell him it hasn’t always been exclusively girls for me.
can I drive us tonight? please? my car stopped smelling like u and it sucks so much :(
“What did he say?” I show Miguel the screen, and he gasps, all dramatic. “That smiley face,” he whispers. “He always does cute shit like that. Okay. Let me tell him where we are.”
“Can you say it? Please?” Can I say it? Yes. I so very easily can. “He touched you. Nobody touches you.”
“Everything is stacked against us,” I say. “We’d be a tragedy, Felix. This wouldn’t work.” His smile is confusing. “You don’t agree?” I ask, and how fucked up is it that I actually hope he doesn’t. “No. I agree.” He steps closer and presses one (last) kiss to my mouth. “I just know that wouldn’t stop me.”
nearly choke when he saves the image to a photo album he’s labeled with my name. He saves my selfies. Every single one of them. He has an entire photo album dedicated to ME. Holy fucking fuck.
matters more than anything because he matters more than anything. No point in denying it.
Felix stares at them like he’s never held a guy’s hand before, and I get it. Even if he has, I haven’t, and I wish I could sit here and look at this part of us for as long as I want because it’s fascinating to me too.
And if holding your hand like you’re
my boyfriend wasn’t a hint; I’ll spell it out for you—I want you to be my boyfriend.”
I huff and watch Jake move closer to me with the most satisfying grin on his face, and I try not to react to that or the way he grabs hold of my waist and presses his forehead against mine, because I want to make sure he knows how serious I am about being his number one person.
“God forbid baby boy turns out to be a Gemini.”
Im a gemini soooo what you tryin to say lmao
he’s obviously knitting something—and I still want to fuck his brains out.
He’s like coming home to a golden retriever.
Felix smiles like this is such an important thing to him, and I don’t understand that, but what the fuck do I care if he paints my nails. I think I’d let him do anything he wanted to me.
continuing. “You can know how sexy you are, or I can remind you—I really don’t fucking care. But what you’re not going to do is put yourself down in front of me and expect me to just stand here and take it. You’re trashing something that’s important to me, Felix. Don’t fucking do that.” He shudders a breath. “I’m important to you?” “More than anyone else, yeah.” “Even—” “Yes. Even my brother.” “Really?” “You’re my best friend, right?” And there’s that smile…
They are so cute
“When I walked into the house yesterday, you smiled so damn big, and you always do that. You always look at me like I’m not a failure at everything or even capable of screwing up. You have all this hope in me, Felix, and you’re happy just having me around, and not just because I’m not out using if I’m with you. You’re the first person to ever look at me like that.”
Holy fuck. That’s my boyfriend. How lucky am I?
Alive. I want to be alive and with Jake. I want this forever. I lift my head when the door to the shop opens, and I’d smile seeing Jake walk in even if he didn’t appear to be in the world’s greatest mood, but he does. He’s bright-eyed and beaming, straight teeth showing as he grins, and he says, “Hello,” in this sweet, happy way as he approaches the counter I’m seated behind, and how can such a simple greeting make my heart beat so heavy in my chest. What is this magic?
“You want to know how to make me feel good all the time?” “If it involves removing your hoodie, then no.” “It doesn’t.” “Okay. Then yes. Tell me and I’ll start doing it.” His smile is slow and beautiful. “Exist, Felix.” “What?” “I just need you to exist. Stay here with me. That’s it. That’s all you have to do.”
“Okay. Wow. You are saying you love me. Holy fuck. This is it. This is actually it!” I do a full three sixty on my stool, and Jake chuckles. And I smile and I smile. “Holy shit. You love me, Jake.” “I really fucking do.” “I always wondered what this would feel like.” “It’s good, right?” “Yes. It’s everything! Hey. We’re both having the best days of our life today. Look at that.”
“Because I’ve waited my whole life for you. And for this. Us.” I squeeze his hands. “You’re my fucking family, Jake, and we’ll fight this. Together.”
My name is Jake Tully and I’m an addict. And I’ll always be an addict. I’ll never beat this. But I’ll keep going to meetings, and I’ll talk to my sponsor (who I’m going to ask to marry me), and I’ll fight this until I win. We are going to win.
