The Tragedy of Felix and Jake

by J. Daniels

Because happiness never lasts with me, does it?

This is why junkies stay high, because who can stand feeling this low all the time?

I’ve never felt so happy and miserable at the same time.

He’s like coming home to a golden retriever.

And I am guilt-tripping him, but I’m desperate. If it saves his life, I’ll never regret what I’ve just told him. No matter how fucked up it is.

“So, you like messy things?” “I like you so, yeah.”

Fourteen-year-old Felix never thought he’d ever have anything or anyone and couldn’t even imagine being alive at twenty-three.

“I just need you to exist. Stay here with me. That’s it. That’s all you have to do.”

“I’ve tried hating you a lot over the years, Jake,” CJ says, acting like he doesn’t hear me. “And I keep thinking, you know, maybe if he knows I hate him, maybe then he’ll understand what he’s doing to me every time he uses, and he’ll finally stop trying to take my brother from me.”

“The waiting room, probably. You couldn’t pay that kid to leave. If he’s not in here with you, he’s camped out there. Riley said he’s made friends with all the nurses. He keeps knitting everyone shit.”

“I won’t make it if you don’t. So, I need you to do this. Okay? I need you to beat this. For me, and for Felix, for Riley and what I have with her… Please, Jake. Okay? Please?”

I want Jake to wake up. I want it more than anything. But if he doesn’t, I’ll be okay. I’ll live, and I’ll be okay (eventually). For both of us.

I want to matter to someone every day forever.

I love that my brother cares enough to worry. I just wish I didn’t give him reason to.

“I’d drive six hours one way just to spend an hour with you.”