Fool's Errand (Tawny Man, #1)

by Robin Hobb

There is a part of any man that will do anything to stave off loneliness. It is not necessarily the most cowardly part of a man’s soul, but I’ve seen any number of men do shameful things to indulge it. Worse, I wondered if the Fool were not deliberately sending me down to her. Once before, when loneliness had threatened to devour my heart, he had told her where to find me. It had been a misguided comfort I took in her arms. I vowed I would not do so again.

“Nighteyes is dead.” Rainfall filled her silence.

“Alone again. It isn’t fair. Truly it isn’t. You’ve the saddest song of any man I’ve ever known.”

“I’ve a room to myself. It’s at the river end of the inn. Come to me. Let me take your hurt away.” “I…thank you.” That won’t mend it, I wanted to tell her. If she had ever known me at all, she would know that now.

No other closeness could make up for the lack of my wolf.

“You’ve got a lot of scars. How’d you get them?” “Asking questions of bad-tempered folk. My Prince.”

Then silence, save for the rain thundering on the roof and splatting on the innyard mud. Silence, save for the soft crackling of the fire, and the distant music from the common room below. Silence but for unsteady footsteps making their way past our door. But most of all, the crashing silence in my heart where for so long Nighteyes’ awareness had been a steady beacon in my darkness, a warmth in my winter, a guide star in my night. My dreams were thin, illogical human things now that frayed at a moment’s waking. Tears flooded warm under my closed eyelids. I opened my mouth to breathe silently through my constricted throat and lay on my back.

To be loved, in a familiar, unfearing way. To be someone’s best friend, even if that someone was only a cat. I could recall a time when I thought Chade was the only one in the world who would give me that. I recalled how terrifying the threat of losing that had been.

“Who are you, the two of you?” Without thinking, the Fool and I exchanged a look. That we conferred before we answered incensed the Prince. I could tell by the slow spots of color that rose in his cheeks. Beyond the anger, hidden in the back of his eyes, was the boy’s fear that he had made a fool of himself to me.

“If a man can become perfect at something by practicing it, I should be perfect at waiting by now.”

“Apprehensive is perhaps a better word. There is something rather dreadful about meeting the girl you will marry when you know that your own preferences have absolutely no bearing on the situation.”

I tried on emotions. Triumph. Joy. Elation. No. Wet, tired, and hungry. Cold to my bones. Alone. Empty.

There is love between us, but no oaths of fealty.”

He stood, quite abruptly. To my horror, I saw tears welling in his sharp green eyes. For a moment, his mouth trembled. Then he walked around the table, seized my head in his hands, and bent down to kiss my brow. “Thanks be to Eda and El both,” he whispered hoarsely. “You are his. And he will still be safe when I am gone.”

The Fool ensconced himself in one of the two chairs that faced the hearth. He leaned back in it with a sigh and stretched out his long legs toward the warmth. His voice reached me as I moved toward my chamber. “Fitz. You know I love you, don’t you?” I halted where I stood. “I’d hate to have to kill you,” he continued. I recognized his adept imitation of my own voice and inflection. I stared at him, baffled. He sat up taller and glanced over the back of his chair at me with a pained smile. “Never again attempt to put my clothing away,” he warned me. “Verulean silk should be draped for storage. Not wadded.” “I’ll try to remember that,” I promised him humbly. He settled back in his chair and picked up his glass of wine. “Good night, Fitz,” he told me quietly.

“Nothing,” I said after a moment. “I think I’ll do nothing. I think I’ll let him be a boy. I think I’ll let him fall in love with a girl, and stay out later than he should, and have a pounding headache tomorrow when his master chides him for being late.”

“Do you think that’s wise?” she asked, but she smiled as she said it. “No.” I shook my head slowly. “I think it’s foolish and wonderful.”