The Hating Game

by Sally Thorne

“I speak to him on Sundays, and I’ve known you for as long as he’s known you. A beautiful girl, bluest eyes, reddest lips, blackest hair. He describes you like a fairy-tale character. He’s never quite decided on princess or villain.”

“You’re the girl he calls Shortcake. When I first heard your nickname, I knew. I will tell you now, he’s never looked at anyone the way he looks at you.”

“Little fucking asshole. What is she wearing? That guy has a fucking death wish.”

“It killed me to watch you try your heart out for people who were using your kindness. It made me want to stand up for you, and protect you from it. I couldn’t though, because you hated me, so I had to get you to stand up for yourself.”

“And post merger?” He looks away, and I see the edge of his mouth beginning to curl in a smile. “The job had a few good things about it.”

“You’re so soft it’s ridiculous. Everywhere my hand slides, you fit me. I was so right.”

His voice would sound authoritative when he speaks next, except it has a shaky, breathless edge, totally undermining his efforts. “I’m finally having you.” “I’m finally having you,” I counter.

We’ve never played the Staring Game with you inside me.” His hips flex a little, and my eyelids start to flutter.

and he’s looking at me with those eyes I love so much.

What a way to start the day. Showering with my colleague and nemesis. As soon as the thought materializes, I know it’s so outdated I can’t keep lying to myself.

“I’ve been ready for this for a lot longer than you have,” he says.

He’s telling me I’m beautiful. The most delicious strawberry shortcake. I’m the taste he’ll never get out of his mouth. And that he wants me to be sure, completely sure, before I make a decision about us.

“Yes, thanks,” he replies absently. “Great water pressure in the shower.” I look up at his face and watch the corner of his mouth quirk, the little smile line deepening.

“No charge,” the cashier tells me. “Lady, that was better than theater.”

“You’re not mad I rescued you? Boys don’t need rescuing.” “This one did. And I’ll even let you choose which you wanna be. Thelma, or Louise,”

I’ve changed. I’m someone new today. Today is a momentous day. I’ll always remember the drive home as a movie montage, and I knew I was in one.

I fall asleep, my cheek against the warm seat, my face turned toward him, like it always has been. Like it always will.

I think the unthinkable. I should have been thinking it all along.

I love Joshua Templeman.

You love him. You love him. You always have. More than you’ve ever hated him. Every day, staring at this man, knowing every color and expression and nuance.

Every game you’ve ever played has been to engage with him. Talk to him. Feel his eyes on you. To try to make him notice you.

“I record whether you’re wearing a dress or skirt. D, or S. I make a mark when we argue, and I make a mark when I see you smile at someone else. Also, when I wish I could kiss you. The dots are just my lunch break.”

“How long have you done it?” “Since the second day of B and G. The first day was a bit of a blur.

“You cracked the shirt code pretty quick.” “Why do you even wear them in sequence?” “I wanted to see if you noticed. And once you did notice, it pissed you off.” “I’ve always noticed.” “Yeah, I know.” He smiles,

“And if I were your boss, I’d work you so fucking hard. So fucking hard.” “Mmmm. I’d have dirty dreams all night.”

“I’ve always wanted to be friends with you. But you didn’t smile back. You’ve been one-up ever since.” “I couldn’t. If I’d let myself smile back, and be friends with you, I probably would have fallen in love with you.”

I sit up on my heels and look at his bedroom. He’s put the Smurf I gave him beside his bed.

I love him so much it’s like a thread piercing me. Punching holes. Dragging through. Stitching love into me. I’ll never be able to untangle myself from this feeling. The color of love is surely this robin’s-egg blue.

He kisses me like he knows me. Like he understands me. I raise my hand to push him away, and he links his fingers into mine.

When he kisses my pulse, I know he is thinking about all of my tiny inner miracles and the first tear wells up in my eye. It slides down my cheek, down my neck.

I love him so much I can’t hold it in much longer. I’m vibrating from it. I’m showering sparks.

“Every day, every minute, I’ve only ever been sitting there, looking at you. What I’ve done to you has been the worst mistake of my life.”

“It made no difference. I loved you the moment I saw you.”

“You hate me.” “I never have. Not for a second. I have always loved you.”

His walls are the blue of my eyes. I’ve been a bit slow.

“Joshua Templeman. Please, call me Josh.” I see the blinding flash of his smile in return, and now I’m properly crying. Tears running down my neck.

“I love strawberries. I’m so lovesick, I eat them constantly. Can I nickname you Shortcake? It’ll be a dead giveaway that I love you.”

“You love me! We’ve only met a minute ago.” “I do. I’m sorry, but I work fast. I hope it’s not too forward of me to say, but your eyes are incredible, Lucy. I die when you blink.”

It makes the fact I sleep alone and desperately celibate in this Lucy-blue room even more romantic when I eventually tell you.”

“The same as all the others. For you to love me.” “Mine was to make you smile. How lame.”

“I already resigned. My last day was Friday. Jeanette came in and did the paperwork. I’m on vacation now.” “What the fuck?” I blurt into his bed. “I don’t want anything that means I can’t have you. There’s nothing worth it.”

“I disclosed that I’ll be in love with the soon-to-be chief operating officer of B and G.” I can just imagine him telling them, cool and calm.

“I had one weekend left to make you love me.”

He’s pressing his mouth to my skin and sighing, breathing, like I’m a dream he never wants to wake from. He’s breathing me in like he’s a filthy addict.

It’s time for you to be your true self. You’re a Mr. Nice Guy.”

“Take me with you,” he says in between kisses on my shoulders. “I know the way. I’ve mapped the journey. Flights and hire cars. I’ll grovel to your dad. I know exactly what I’ll say.”

“I love you, Lucy Hutton. So much, you have no idea. Please be my best friend.”

I’m so ridiculously in love. I decide to try it out loud. “I’m in love with Joshua Templeman.”

the Hating Game is over.

He’s laughing, my favorite sound in the world.