On Getting Out of Bed: The Burden and Gift of Living

by Alan Noble

But technique’s promise that life is easier than ever turns out to be just another source of dread and shame: if life doesn’t have to be this hard, if there are answers and methods and practices that can solve my problems, then it really is my fault that I’m overwhelmed or a failure.

But what if our contemporary society is not actually built for us, for humans as God designed us? If that is the case, then sometimes anxiety and depression will be rational and moral responses to a fundamentally disordered environment.

You need to know that your being in the world is a witness, and it “counts for something.” Your existence testifies. There is no mitigating this fact.

Sometimes the humility you need is not a kind of smallness of spirit or sense of your own weakness but the faith to act as if your life is a blessing—because it is.

The goal is not to reason your brain out of despair. That rarely works, in my experience. Instead, it’s to form habits that in their very nature affirm what you know to be true when you don’t feel it to be true.

It happened to you in ways that only you and God can understand. But that doesn’t mean it’s special. If you come to believe that your suffering is yours alone, you will believe that you are the problem. The world would be better off without you because you are the one who is messed up, who can’t seem to get it together. But no, Peter says. Whatever you are going through, the world is filled with people suffering similarly. There are unique qualities to your experience, but you aren’t alone.

But there is another implication: if our suffering is common, then we should not hide it but instead help others bear it.

Part of the nightmarish quality of mental illness comes from the fundamental disconnection between the way you experience the world and the way everyone else seems to experience it. You’ll be going through the worst episode of your life and discover that nothing changes for anyone else. They don’t feel bad.

It’s never a good time to sacrifice for others, but it’s always the right time to sacrifice for others.

To live with a mental illness is to live in two different realities: the reality of your mental state and the reality of your embodiment in a community. You can no more deny your community than you can deny your mental illness. Your responsibilities to others cannot make your suffering disappear any more than your mental state excuses you from your responsibilities. The challenge is to live in this tension, to honestly and accurately discern when you need to step away from certain responsibilities in order to heal, and when you need to bear those responsibilities with your suffering for the sake of others.

In such times of crisis, when you are suicidal or so crippled by your mental illness that you cannot act, you will need to lay down nearly all of your obligations in order to get the help you need. But even then, laying down your day-to-day obligations is actually a greater way to love God and your neighbor, because it allows you the rest you need to carry on. So never, ever feel guilty for seeking help. If your existence is a good creation of a loving God, then you honor God by caring for that creation.

That means you have to live in the space of uncertainty between the knowledge that your illness limits your agency and the knowledge that you still have agency—between the responsibility to rely on others and the responsibility to care for others.

Your mental illness will demand all of your attention. But you don’t always have to give it. You can try to make space for others.

friend’s life is good because it was created by God. Whenever your mind turns against you and you begin to doubt the value of your life, remember those around you. Your life is precious for the very same reason their lives are.

In such times, you can’t force yourself to snap out of it, but you can remind yourself that your mind is lying to you.

Sometimes your duty in life is simply to trust and rely on the love of others. Most of the time, really.

Sometimes the right use of your agency is to surrender part of it to others for a period.

If God were only all-knowing, His witness to our lives would be condemnation. But we know something more about God’s character. We know that He desires our good. We know that He desires that none should perish (2 Peter 3:9). We know that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). And we know that He gives wisdom to all who ask (James 1:5). All of this means that we can come before God whenever we experience guilt, and we can pray for discernment.

So when your heart condemns you, remind yourself that your heart is not the judge of the universe. It’s not even the judge of you. Only God sees you truly. And if you turn to Him for guidance, He will illuminate the areas where you truly are in sin, and He will give you peace for the guilt that you wrongly feel. I may not know in every situation whether my feelings of guilt are convictions or irrational fears, but I know for certain a few things about God. He is greater than my heart and greater than my experience of dread. He knows me truly. He desires me to be righteous. And He will guide me with His Spirit.

While I have no doubt that God does speak to us through His Spirit, I have also come to learn that just because you don’t feel at peace, just because you feel guilty or uneasy or anxious, does not mean you are being spoken to by God. Sometimes you just feel bad.

Your task is not to feel right but to act right.

The only other reasons to live are for the World, the Flesh, or the Devil, and they only care about you so long as you are useful to them.