Icebreaker

by Hannah Grace

“You wanna stop?” She looks at me over her shoulder and shakes her head. “Good, hold on to the bed.”

I didn’t know what to say to her. I never touched him, despite joking about it and her telling me off. I’d never jeopardize her dreams.

Your girl. She couldn’t be further from being my girl than she is now.

but even the darkness of my room isn’t helping soothe the stabbing pain in my head.

I clear my throat and avoid eye contact with my teammates. “It was me, Coach.”

“When I don’t hear from them, I feel, uh, I feel relief.”

“It’s normal to understand something logically but emotionally feel something different. Loving someone but feeling relief not speaking to them, it’s a huge conflict in a person’s mind, but it doesn’t make you bad in any way, it makes you human.”

But even with the best of intentions, sometimes Aaron’s kindness feels like control.

I’ve never liked the smell of honey and strawberry as much as I do now that I haven’t seen her.

Nathan, will you play house with me?” “Always.”

“I can’t believe you think I could ever reject you, Anastasia,” he said in shock. “You have no idea, do you? The lengths I’d go to if you’d let me. What I’d do to make you happy.”

“I’ll be your partner.”

“Okay. Let’s be partners. Yes.”

The caring-father act has always been a favorite; if you don’t know him, it’s almost convincing.

But he doesn’t; he stops right in front of me, lip pouting with sleepy, half-lidded eyes. “You weren’t there when I woke up.”

I feel weird watching her from across the room, but she’s so fucking beautiful, I couldn’t take my eyes off her even if I wanted to.

“Let it all out. You’re safe. I’m here.”

It’s not enough to stop the noise, but it has turned the volume down a little bit.

Fuck you, calorie app.

“Stop looking at me like you want me to fuck you,”

But despite my best efforts, I’m so freaking in love with this man.

“You’re just really fucking pretty, Nathan. It’s super hard to concentrate sometimes, do you know that? Do you understand how difficult it is sometimes to focus on literally anything when you’re around me looking effortlessly beautiful?”

“Anastasia, it isn’t safe—” But I don’t hear the rest of what he has to say. Because the ice cracks beneath my feet and the water paralyzes my entire body the second my head goes under.

THEY SAY THAT WHEN SOMETHING traumatic happens, time stands still, but I don’t agree.

“I promised you I’d never drop you or let you drown, Anastasia. I will always be there to save you.”

He bought me a freaking iPad so I’d always be able to speak to my therapist—how is he real?

The words come spilling out of my mouth before I can stop them. “The world isn’t going to end if she eats a burger.”

“I love a woman who enjoys reading.”

“You ate twenty chicken nuggets in about four minutes. It was like you were in an eating competition, but you were the only contestant. I’ve never been more in love with you.”

But I remain unconvinced; she’s hurting herself to forgive him and I fucking hate it.

I know it’s rare to meet someone who makes you feel like your whole life is brighter.

“Not even a little bit. I have it all under control. You helped me be strong enough to deal with it.”

It doesn’t smell like Nathan anymore. And just like that, my bed feels overwhelmingly empty, and the T-shirt itches my skin.

I just need you, Nate. I need you to do that thing you do where you magically make everything better.”

This relationship works so well because Nathan fucking loves praising me, and I love being praised.

Take deep breaths. If you’re going to be sick, make sure you direct it toward Aaron.

“Aaron got hurt playing football with us. We were drinking and dicking about at the beach, having a bonfire. Davey tackled him and landed on his arm…

And when the applause starts, that’s when Aaron takes her face in his hands and kisses her.

“We’re moving out,” she says nonchalantly.

“You ready to play house every single day?” “As long as it’s with you.”

How can someone look so innocent but be so

much goddamn trouble at the same time?

The girl who would only eat salad, didn’t want a relationship, and couldn’t stand hockey players is nowhere to be seen.

Every time I look at him my pulse soars and my heart hammers in my chest, and when I think I’ve reached maximum capacity for how much I love him, something proves me wrong.

No planner, iPad, or freaking sticker chart could have prepared me for my future.

Pushing his chair back, he stands from our table, and I watch him curiously. “What’re you do—?” He sinks one knee into the sand beside me. “Oh my God.”