Bridget Jones's Diary (Bridget Jones, #1)

by Helen Fielding

Cannot face thought of going to work. Only thing which makes it tolerable is thought of seeing Daniel again, but even that is inadvisable since am fat, have spot on chin, and desire only to sit on cushion eating chocolate and watching Xmas specials.

Please shut up. I am very busy and important.

The article is full of useful tips. One should never, apparently, talk to anyone at a party for more than two minutes. When time is up, you simply say, “I think we’re expected to circulate. Nice to meet you,” and go off. If you get lost for words after asking someone what they do to which they reply “Undertaker” or “I work for the Child Support Agency,” you must simply ask, “Do you enjoy that?” When introducing people add a thoughtful detail or two about each person so that their interlocutor has a conversational kicking-off point. E.g., “This is John—he’s from New Zealand and enjoys windsurfing.” Or, “Gina is a keen skydiver and lives on a barge.”

“No thank you, I have found inner poise and given up smoking,”

There’s nothing worse than people telling you you look tired.

have been waging a campaign on our street against car burglar alarms which are intolerable and counterproductive since you are more likely to get your car broken into by an angry neighbor trying to silence the burglar alarm than by a burglar.

I hate communal changing rooms. Everyone stares sneakily at each other’s bodies, but no one ever meets anyone’s eye. There are always girls who know that they look fantastic in everything and dance around beaming, swinging their hair and doing model poses in the mirror saying, “Does it make me look fat?” to their obligatory obese friend, who looks like a water buffalo in everything.

negative thoughts: approx. 445 per hour, positive thoughts 0.

It’s no good. When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you’ve created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love.