Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses, and BubbleBaths Not Included)

by Pooja Lakshmin

Instead of allowing ourselves to be human beings, we are human doings—and the self becomes quantified and measured, merely a sum of tasks and accomplishments. But

Eudaimonic well-being, in contrast, focuses on deriving meaning and having our actions be congruent with our values; it is the feeling that our lives are imbued with purpose.[1] Instead of prioritizing pleasure or happiness, eudaimonic well-being emphasizes personal growth, acceptance of your authentic self, and connection to meaning.

boundaries are not cocreated.

A boundary is about what you need to interact in the world.

Boundaries are hard not because you can’t identify yours, but because you are worried about the backlash.

I’ve found that my patients’ capacity to recognize that they have choices and their ability to communicate those choices is a fairly reliable measure of how well they take care of themselves.

Facing guilt requires accepting the fact that we cannot control and are not responsible for the emotions of other people.

In other words, guilt does not need to be our compass. It can just be a feeling in the background while we learn to reframe the discomfort as a signal that we’re taking responsibility for our own emotions.

Instead, cognitive defusion asks you to watch the plates of sushi roll by you, without grabbing them or pushing them away.

A critical skill in setting boundaries is to separate your own needs and preferences from the opinions of other people who have a vested interest in your life.

In all situations, you have three choices: you can say yes, you can say no, or you can negotiate.

This decision-making framework builds on the previous point that your boundary is in your pause.

Boundaries aren’t cocreated.

On the other hand, it’s about relishing your sacrifice and, paradoxically, making sure that your smallness is seen.

How do you know if you’re falling into Martyr Mode? A telltale sign is when you extend yourself toward others and have an unspoken expectation that something—praise, support, attention—will be given in return. When that expectation is not met, you lose your cool and are secretly (or rather not so secretly) seething.

When someone asks how you are feeling, it’s impossible for you to name an emotion or a sensation in your body. You are blinded by a need for productivity or performance. You identify so strongly with Martyr Mode or shame-based thinking that it’s difficult to connect with what you want or need in the moment.

the way you move toward your goals influences the mental and physical state you’re in when you arrive.

Bethany emphasizes that a value is most useful when it is framed as choosing one quality over another.

The clarity that comes from making a clear decision and from understanding why you are making this decision is energizing. When you make a proactive choice, instead of feeling like your life is being done to you, you’re practicing real self-care.

When you are at a fork in the road, you must pick a path. If you try to pursue too much at the same time, you will burn out and neither road will fulfill you.

When your anxiety is in the driver’s seat, everything feels very important and facing fork-in-the-road decisions can feel like failure.

part of removing addiction to goals and connecting with values is to feel and internalize your accomplishments.

It’s helpful to remember that in each season of your life, you will have different priorities. This does not discount any one set of values; it’s only a sign of change and growth.

in real self-care, as you know, our goals are secondary. Instead, our values are what guide us.

Real self-care is not a thing to do—it’s a way to be.

Our work is to be unflinching in recasting our narrative to one of power.

Dialectical thinking refers to the ability to reconcile seemingly opposite points of view.

It naturally follows that after we focus on the dialectic, the path to remembering your power is to turn up the complexity of your story—not turn it down.

Resisting the flattening of our stories helps us hold on to agency and power.

Audre Lorde said, “Your power is relative, but it is real.

It’s not your job to change the whole system; it’s your job to stay in touch with your agency.

Hope is not something you have or don’t have; it’s a skill to build.

The work of real self-care is to hold hope and pain together.