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It involves the internal process of setting boundaries, learning to treat yourself with compassion, making choices that bring you closer to yourself, and living a life aligned with your values.
If it’s someone else’s answer, it can never be your solution.
1. Set boundaries with others. 2. Change how you talk to yourself. 3. Bring in what matters most to you. 4. This is power—use it for good.
The prefrontal cortex, or the thinking brain, very much wants to make sense of the world—it wants order and control. But the other, more primitive parts of the brain, which include areas like the limbic system, are where we experience connection, empathy, and other important emotions.
In a 2015 study of more than two thousand mothers, Lucia Ciciolla, PhD, a psychologist at Oklahoma State University, found that the well-being of mothers is linked to four factors: feeling unconditionally loved, feeling comforted when distressed, authenticity in relationships, and satisfaction with friendships.
Moreover, a 2020 meta-analysis of more than thirty thousand participants found that authenticity, or the degree to which one feels true to oneself, is associated with greater well-being.[4]
But what if real fulfillment—and real self-care—was about becoming more herself?
For one thing, in a capitalistic society, individual productivity is exalted at all costs, and faux self-care, with its focus on the individual, perpetuates this cycle. Instead of allowing ourselves to be human beings, we are human doings—and the self becomes quantified and measured, merely a sum of tasks and accomplishments. But moreover, there is a gender dimension at play as well. The reality is that faux self-care gives us just enough cover to keep us operating in the familiar social and cultural systems that most of us grew up in—the ones where women are the caretakers of other people and
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We have to be careful not to become fanatical about any particular practice. We’re all vulnerable to the seduction of so-called gurus, but it’s especially true the more our social structures fail us.
1. When does saying no or setting boundaries come most easily for you? 2. Are there any common factors in these situations (people, places, or things)? 3. Are there situations in which it feels consistently impossible to say no or to set a boundary? 4. What supports have helped you in the past when you knew you needed and wanted to say no, and yet were hesitant to speak up?
“your boundaries are a reflection of how willing you are to advocate for the life that you want.”
On one hand, which people, activities, and situations lead you to feel lighter and more expansive? Which situations or experiences leave you feeling more energetic than when you started? These physical signals steer you toward saying yes. On the other hand, which people, activities, and situations cause your body to tighten up, give you a feeling of dread, palpitations, or even nausea? This is your body saying no. When someone approaches you with a request and you don’t have any of these physical responses, it’s a signal to ask questions, like “What’s the deadline for this project?” or “Who
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When it comes to boundaries, though, we are training the people in our lives how to
treat us with our words, decisions, and actions. When we verbalize a clear boundary, it helps other people understand how we expect them to behave, and in the long run, this saves time.
For now, remember that you can only fully enjoy the good new things in your life if you are making space by clearing out the obligations
that no longer serve you.
Remember that self-love is also revolutionary and world changing.
We mistakenly believe compassion will come from the outside, if only we earn it by serving others.
For example, when Angelica of Rugrats infamy was berating me for not getting more writing done, the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and write about real self-care. Not only did I feel like a hypocrite, I also couldn’t hear myself think clearly. Paradoxically, when I gave myself permission to take the night off, go for a walk, or listen to my favorite podcast episode, I felt inspired to write.
Your optimist: She’s the one with the big ideas and the grand plans. What does she look and sound like? Your quirky one: You can count on her to start a sentence with “This might sound weird but . . .” Next time she shows up, reflect on the uniqueness she brings out. Your wise woman: Her voice often comes with a feeling of gravity. She’s the one who has seen it all and responds with knowing.
The more connected you feel to your body, the easier it is to make larger decisions from a place of clarity, which will be important for the next step of real self-care—identifying your values.
You’ll find that even taking one small step in the service of rest goes a long way; each bit of rest that you take makes it easier to choose rest again.
the way you move toward your goals influences the mental and physical state you’re in when you arrive.
research tells us that people who develop authentic meaningful relationships and who are in touch with their purpose in life are happier and more fulfilled.
Dr. Russ Harris defines values as “our heart’s deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, other people, and ourselves.”
It’s a risk to live life by your values because your decisions might put you at odds with those closest to you, or you might find yourself “falling behind” in culturally held metrics like money, status, or prestige (or, conversely, self-sacrifice and devotion to caretaking).
when you make a life decision that aligns with your values, with your insides, then you don’t care about what you’re missing out on.
RUN TOWARD TOUGH DECISIONS
good things happen when all of us embrace our unique values and strengths, as opposed to trying to just steer ourselves into the same cookie-cutter mentality.
Your guide in making these tough decisions must be internal—your values—not external.
Somewhat paradoxically, when you start shifting your decision-making to align with your values, you might become less productive and no longer able to meet the needs of those around you with the same timeliness or concern. This can cause more anxiety for you in the beginning. Yet, in the long run, you’ll be doing fewer of the things that matter most to other people (or to society) and more of the things that matter most to you.
“We can either be lost in a smaller state of consciousness—what in Buddhist psychology is called the ‘body of fear,’ which brings suffering to us and to others—or we can bring the quality of love and appreciation, which I would call gratitude, to life. With it comes a kind of trust.”
Only when you fully acknowledge the wealth you have in life can you be ready for more. And a funny thing happens when you start appreciating and digesting all the good: You stop caring as much about getting that next thing.
For extra credit, you can expand this list to include more life areas—for example, physical or spiritual health—or separate out nonfamily relationships and friendships.
Keep an eye out for the three yellow flags (see page 76). Occasionally take stock of where you are by returning to the Real Self-Care Thermometer on page 86.
Real self-care is not a thing to do—it’s a way to be.
Digesting the good stuff in your life (past and present) makes room for more good stuff.
Systems of oppression win by beating us down and stripping us of meaning and hope—they convince us that we are powerless against them.
Inner peace and social change do not come without inner conflict. We are both the wooden figurine on the chessboard and powerful players with the capacity to change the game.
the path to remembering your power is to turn up the complexity of your story—not turn it down.
