Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses, and BubbleBaths Not Included)

by Pooja Lakshmin

it’s an internal process that involves making difficult decisions that will pay off tenfold in the long run as a life built around the relationships and activities that matter most to you.

framework—the Four Principles of Real Self-Care: 1. Set boundaries with others. 2. Change how you talk to yourself. 3. Bring in what matters most to you. 4. This is power—use it for good.

the three most common reasons why we turn to faux self-care: Escape Achievement Optimization

it’s impossible for these external activities to sustainably produce the feelings we are looking for them to deliver—worthiness, acceptance, relief.

This distinction between burnout and betrayal is critical: while burnout places the blame (and thus the responsibility) on the individual and tells women they aren’t resilient enough, betrayal points directly to the broken structures around them. “This whole pandemic is teaching us all how to roll with the punches,” someone wrote to me on social media, “because they are forceful and frequent, and if you don’t roll with them, you get steamrolled.” When you live inside social structures that make your life harder and force you to make morally impossible decisions, it’s not for lack of trying that you feel despair—it’s that those systems have betrayed you. In other words, this isn’t our fault.

Sociologist and researcher Allison Daminger, PhD, defines the cognitive load (the technical term for the mental load) as “anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress.” [9] Daminger’s research found that women do more of the anticipating and monitoring. This aligns with what I see in my clinical practice, wherein my patients lament that while they can delegate to their partners to put out the garbage every week, they have no way of making their partners think ahead about what the kids are going to dress up as for Halloween or when spring-cleaning is happening this year.

Eudaimonic well-being, in contrast, focuses on deriving meaning and having our actions be congruent with our values; it is the feeling that our lives are imbued with purpose.[1] Instead of prioritizing pleasure or happiness, eudaimonic well-being emphasizes personal growth, acceptance of your authentic self, and connection to meaning. Not surprisingly, it is linked to better health outcomes, including improved sleep,[2] longer life span,[3] and lower levels of inflammation.

As a doctor, there are times when patients need me urgently. But by taking the step to let my phone go to voicemail, I’m not abandoning or ignoring anyone—I’m giving myself the time to respond instead of reacting. In fact, by taking ownership of my attention, I actually improve my ability to be available for my patients in those rare cases of emergency.

“your boundaries are a reflection of how willing you are to advocate for the life that you want.” [1] She makes the important point that boundaries are not common sense, they’re taught. A critical skill in setting boundaries is to separate your own needs and preferences from the opinions of other people who have a vested interest in your life.