Faking Under the Mistletoe

by Ashley Shepherd

“Mental illness shouldn’t dictate whether or not someone can be in a romantic relationship.

I know what it feels like when you can’t forget—when you can’t escape the room and the machines and the revolving door of doctors and nurses and the clock that’s a constant reminder that time is slowly running out.

I have too much time to think about how sad I am and how empty I feel and how much I miss my mom. Because I miss her so much. And sometimes that feeling consumes me. And I slip into a place that’s so dark that I don’t know if I’ll ever find my way out.

That’s what death does to you—it eats you alive until you’re a hollow shell of a human who lives in a limbo of grief and guilt and denial.

I’m the human embodiment of someone hitting play on every single Taylor Swift song at once.

“Because if I tell the truth, I bring everyone down. And I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, and I don’t want to burden anyone. I mean, they’re asking a simple question not expecting to get a heavy answer. It’s a lot to put on someone.”