Faking Under the Mistletoe

by Ashley Shepherd

I’m going to soak up every last snowflake.

I pop another into my mouth and decide that death by expensive poisoned chocolate is a noble way to go.

I’d sooner die before watching someone else eat my cheesecake.

I love carbs the way most people love their children.

Men have been disappointing women for centuries. And if I’m going to throw myself in front of a train, it’s not going to be because of a man. It’ll be because the government found my blog about the extraterrestrials.

It’s a strange feeling to be simultaneously angry and heartbroken.

And cheating is still cheating no matter how emotionally unavailable the other partner is.

I’m the human embodiment of someone hitting play on every single Taylor Swift song at once.

Get ready to say goodbye to 2019 and hello to 2020!

No. Don't. 2020 is terrible!