Faking Under the Mistletoe

by Ashley Shepherd

“I wouldn’t feel too special. He did the same thing to Harriet from accounting and she’s, like, sixty-eight.”

“Were you? Because I think you were drooling over a troll.”

“You’ll never get off the Naughty List with that attitude.” “That’s not really my top priority.”

Barnes & Noble

like I just insulted his very expensive Gucci boots or ran over his grandmother’s dog.

“You look like a poodle that stuck its tongue into an electrical socket.” “How descriptive.” “I’m a passive-aggressive poet.”

“Apparently I have the emotional capacity of a rock.”

“Says the emotionally inept rock.”

I pull the top and bottom apart. “What are you doing? That’s not how you eat a bagel. Are you some kind of savage?” “I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to eat a bagel, Asher.” “Of course there is and that’s definitely the wrong way.” I roll my eyes. “Which is your favorite half?” “Both.” “I like the bottom,” I tell him before taking a bite. “It has more of a chew.” He’s glaring at me as I sweep leftover cream cheese off the corner of my mouth with my tongue. “It’s rude to eat a bagel that you bought for someone else.” “It’s rude to not thank someone for ordering you a Christmas tree.” “It was an unsolicited Christmas tree.” “This is an unsolicited bagel.” I grin.

I’m the human embodiment of someone hitting play on every single Taylor Swift song at once.