Faking Under the Mistletoe

by Ashley Shepherd

“No, he’s just a fucking toad,” Asher says and he has cream cheese smeared over his lips. “But he sure did charm the panties right off of you.”

Sir...... This is a workplace, dont make me call HR

“Don’t be,” he says. “And I’d rather not discuss my personal life with you. I don’t even like you. You’re shrill and annoying and you write in purple ink.”

Well arent you nice

“By creating some elaborate scheme about how we’re dating? As if I would ever date someone who I’m fairly certain has escaped a mental facility.”

“Chloe, you’re not supposed to tell all of Mommy’s secrets!” the woman says.

Hey!!?! That my name!!! This bitch stole my name (im kidding but still??!??)

"So just Christmas trees, coasters, and PornHub Unlimited?"

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

Asher I should probably mention to her that someone has stolen my identity and my credit card and has ordered me a collection of holiday decorative pillows and a robotic vacuum that chases me around the house. Olivia It has 4.5 stars on Amazon. Asher It has 4.5 demons living inside it.

LMFAOOOOOO

There’s a box of milk chocolate sea salt caramels on my desk. I eat three before I see the note, and then I almost choke when I read it. For all your pain and suffering.

Stfu thats actually really cute

“Cancer.” I frown. “I’m right, aren’t I?” “I’m drinking cosmos tonight.”

Same

“Listen, you should be honored to be in any kind of relationship with me,” I say. “Have you seen my boobs in this shirt?” “I believe the whole bar has.” “Then you agree I’m a fucking catch.” “You

Until he pulls open the drawer. “No! Betsy!”

“Ah, yes, rabies,” Asher mutters. “The gift that keeps on giving.”

You can’t just kiss someone under the mistletoe and wake up with their hand on your boob and not catch feelings.

WHAT!!?!?!?!

think he caught The Feelings too. They’re very contagious. Sort of like the plague, but with less death and more boob touching.

“When do I get accused of murdering you? Because I won’t even try to deny it. I’ll walk into the courtroom and say you’re welcome.”

Men suck. We should send them to another planet.

“You’re so clingy,” he says. “When’s the last time you shaved your legs?”

Im gonna beat this mans ass

“It definitely makes for interesting holidays. And by interesting I mean totally ridiculous and I usually sneak away from whatever black tie affair we’re at to watch Disney movies with Chloe.” “Cool Uncle Asher knows all the words to Love Is an Open Door, doesn’t he?” “Bet your ass he does.”

We finish breakfast in silence. I’m okay with it. Sometimes saying nothing says enough. It’s comfortable. Normal. Like we do this every day.

“You get to watch me while Mommy tells someone off in court,” Chloe announces before she sees me. “Why is Olivia here? Why is she in your clothes?” A blush that matches Asher’s warms my cheeks. “Why is Olivia in your clothes, Ash?” Morgan asks. “Did you have a sleepover?” Chloe asks as she jumps on the couch next to me. “Was it fun? Did you watch movies? Eat candy? Yesterday was Uncle Asher’s birthday. Did you know that? Did you get him a present? What was it? Do you guys kiss?” “Chloe,” Morgan says.

I love chloe

“Do you know?” I ask again, this time louder. “Do you know that Levi roofies girls and then takes them to hotel rooms and waits for them to be unconscious before he assaults them? Do you know that he also pays them off and makes them sign NDAs? Do you know that your father covers it up?” He doesn’t have to say anything. The way his eyes drop to the floor tells me everything. “You knew.” When the elevator doors close, I start to cry.

Men have been disappointing women for centuries. And if I’m going to throw myself in front of a train, it’s not going to be because of a man. It’ll be because the government found my blog about the extraterrestrials.

But Asher’s not done. He leaves me with three final words. “Ana already knows.”

Im sobbing. Like full on sobbing. My heart is broken for Olivia, and every other women that has ever had to go through that or something like that. It fucking breaks my heart that there are women in real life who had to sign a NDA because of some fucking asshole who couldnt keep his hands to himself and has so much power that it doesnt matter if these women scream and shout to anyone who will listen they will most of the time be silenced. My heart breaks for the women who cant speak out and just have to live with it. For the women who deal with this shit day and night but no believes them. Or worse, no one cares

Most of the time, I cry because I hate that I’ve been silenced for so long—that I’ve let men walk all over me. Allowed them to make me uncomfortable. Granted them permission to treat me as less than the person I am. I’m not an object to be used for their gains. I’m a woman. And I’m done being bullied.

He has to want it. I can buy him all the Christmas trees in the world—fill his whole apartment with mistletoe and garland and animatronic reindeers—but ultimately, it’s up to him if he decides to keep them up.

“Olivia?” Asher’s voice is muffled by his pillows and sheets. “Yeah?” “I think I’m in love with you.”

And as happy as the children look, their parents look even happier. They’re all on a physically and emotionally draining journey. A few hours away from the machines and routine checks? It’s priceless to them. Anything to get away from those same four walls and a ticking clock. A breath of fresh air. A new kind of hope. For a moment, they can forget why they’re here. I would give them a million of these moments if I could.

“Why can’t you come today? Do you not like watching swans attack each other? Sometimes they chase people. That’s funny too. I promise you’ll have a good time. What if Uncle Asher buys you two hot dogs and honey-roasted nuts?” “Chloe,” Asher sighs. “Olivia might have other plans.” “With who?” She looks up at me. “I thought Uncle Asher was your boyfriend. Do you have two boyfriends? Or a girlfriend? A boyfriend and a girlfriend?”

I love chloe

I’m stopped in front of his office when I realize the joke’s on me. Because apparently me and my crêpes don’t kiss as well as Bree does. She has Asher pushed against the wall, her lips on his and her hands in his hair. She didn’t trip. His lips didn’t break her fall. They’re kissing.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

He did call me a dozen times and he may have shown up at my apartment, but Anouk told him to go to hell in seven different languages.

Queen shit

Christmas Day always makes me sad. Much like all good things, the holiday season must come to an end. And I’m never ready to say goodbye—to let go of the tinsel and the cheer and the peppermint mocha lattes. It’s my favorite distraction. Because when I’m not blitzed out on gingerbread cookies and perfectly tied ribbon, I have too much time to think about how sad I am and how empty I feel and how much I miss my mom. Because I miss her so much. And sometimes that feeling consumes me. And I slip into a place that’s so dark that I don’t know if I’ll ever find my way out.

I feel your pain. I really feel it

That’s what death does to you—it eats you alive until you’re a hollow shell of a human who lives in a limbo of grief and guilt and denial.

I’m the human embodiment of someone hitting play on every single Taylor Swift song at once.

“For the record, the only donuts I’d ever say no to are jelly filled,” I tell him. “I’m offended,” he says, pulling out a sugared donut that is very much filled with raspberry jam.

Me too asher, me too

“I think about that day I had you sitting on my desk,” he whispers into my skin. “I think about how you’d look in my bathtub up to your neck in bubbles.” I giggle. “Thanks for that, by the way,” he says, pulling away from me. “I get hard whenever I look at it now.”

Asher Have you been abducted by aliens? Olivia Yes, they’ve taken me back to their planet. I’m their queen now.

When I finally get upstairs, I fight my key into the lock. Everything is so hard. And I mean everything.

The kiss is indulgently slow, her tongue tracing over my bottom lip. I want to do this for the rest of my life. “Happy New Year, Asher.” “Happy New Year, Olivia.”

She is the only person I will suffer through twelve alarm clocks for. The only person I will willingly kiss under a mistletoe. The only person I will close down a karaoke bar with. The only person I will order an untoasted bagel for. The only person I will see Six the Musical with twenty times (and still counting). She is the only person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

“I promise to defend you against any bears that may linger in the woods.” “You screamed when you saw a mouse in the apartment.” “It was in the toilet.” I frown. “I was startled.”

So I reach up to the bed and pull down a blanket, the black velvet box tumbling down with it. I flick it open with my thumb and hold it out to her—to Olivia, to Liv, to O, to the absolute love of my life, who I definitely don’t deserve. I could live a million lifetimes and I still would never be worthy of her.

“Olivia Langley, will you marry me?” “Yes.”