I Am More Than My Body: The Body Neutral Journey

by Bethany C. Meyers

body neutrality is the idea that each of us is more than our body, and our worth is not limited to our physical self. It is the practice of respecting our body despite the fact that we may feel differently about it on any given day—love, hate, and everything in between.

This book doesn’t make lofty promises, like fitness companies selling New Year deals or health food providers coming out with a fancy superfood. It is not the answer, the truth, the way, or the life. It is, I hope, a guide to a new set of skills which might support you. I’m not saying that the ideas housed between its covers don’t have the power to have a profound impact on your life. They have certainly made dramatic shifts in mine. But I want expectations to stay realistic: this is not a book of life hacks, or a quick fix, or a one-stop-shop solution. It is not a cure-all. Practicing body neutrality in a world that is extremely biased is hard work. It’s going to take effort, time, and a whole lot of grace.

What this book will provide you with is clarity, and a potential way forward. It will encourage you to deconstruct a lot of narratives in your mind, peel back the layers of the world you have been raised in, and interrogate the foundations of your relationship with your body and beyond. It will introduce a framework to help you manage and navigate some of your feelings, and offer lots of tangible guidance, journaling questions, and suggestions, to help support you on this journey. There is even a toolbox of tips from everyone interviewed in the book on this page, which is a collection of their and my top advice. A lot of times, body neutrality involves sitting in a gray space—a place in the middle that can be uncomfortable. I promise I will be there to hold your hand and heart as you take these important steps.

It’s more the idea that bodies are bodies, you are where you are, and that’s okay. You love yourself as a person, not just as a body.

For me, finding body neutrality was accompanied by a sense of incredible relief—the likes of which I had never experienced before. To be honest with you, I am still on that journey, because “body neutral” isn’t a destination you arrive at and then live happily ever after, but rather a place that every time you visit, you bring back a souvenir to help remind you of it. The more times you visit, the easier it is to get there.

body neutrality is the practice of steering away from self-hate without the pressure of having to love our body.

I’m realizing that my body exists outside of just what people see. My immediate reaction was to say that I don’t hate my body, I don’t have any strong opinions on it. But my body is how it functions too. My body is my organs and the processes that happen inside. It’s not just how I look. Maybe I do hate my body.

Within neutrality there will be some days when we love our body and some days when we hate it, and many days in between. But no matter how we feel about what is staring back at us in the mirror, we work to respect our body.

You are more than a body, and your value as a person extends far beyond your physical presence.

Diet culture is like hundreds of contradictory voices screaming at you at once; at its extreme, eating and moving become so loaded with anxiety and expectation that we forget how to do either with ease. And what have humans been doing intuitively since the beginning of time? Eating and moving. We were born with these instincts.

At the heart of diet culture is a lie. We are told that if we have enough willpower to keep up with a diet, we will lose weight and all our troubles will disappear. We will be happy, accept ourselves, find true love, gain more friends, be good at math, have organized junk drawers, climb Mount Everest! Okay, perhaps not all of those, but you get the idea: weight loss promises a lot of things. If only we can get to a certain weight or fit into a certain pair of jeans, then we will finally be at peace with our body. But that rarely happens. That could be because body ideals shift and suddenly that tiny butt and slim thighs you strove to achieve has fallen out of fashion. Or maybe because the sacrifices you’ve made to keep your body static prevent you from finding joy in life. Or perhaps because others simply don’t care in the way you think they do.

was so tired of apologizing on behalf of my body as opposed to apologizing to my body for everything I had put it through.”

There are many times in our lives when our bodies might fluctuate and we might gain or lose weight, several of which are connected to trauma and crisis. The glorification of the weight loss of these experiences is horrendous.

is surface-level; who you are underneath remains the same. Weight loss through shame, extreme restriction, and guilt does not a happy person make. Being in touch with your emotions, healing old trauma, practicing intuitive eating, exploring movement for joy . . . these things can dramatically change your outlook. Yes, they can lead to weight loss, but they can also lead to weight gain. I want to be explicit about this very early on: I’m not demonizing someone’s weight changing, because bodies fluctuate. But I am asking us to look at the intent and the method, and explore if changing our physical self is truly serving us.

The body positive movement has always sought to promote radical self-love and self-acceptance for your unique bodily form. Stretch marks? Gorgeous. Fat rolls? Magnificent. Body scarring? Truly individual. It campaigns for a wholehearted rejection of body shame and diet culture, because we are all beautiful exactly as we are right now. This book and the ideas of body neutrality build upon the work of the body positivity movement, which finds roots in the fat acceptance movement (encompassing fat pride, fat power, and fat liberation) which began in the late 1960s. Before it was used to sell you a deodorant, body positivity was best understood as a social movement focused on the acceptance of all bodies, regardless of size, shape, gender, race, or abilities. It has always sought to challenge beauty standards and social, medical, and cultural stigmas, and to help every person find self-love. Its history is enmeshed with radical social justice, feminism, the civil rights movement, and Black liberation, and was created by people in marginalized bodies (especially fat, Black, queer, and disabled bodies) for others living with similar prejudices.

The newest version of body positivity suggests that people should love their bodies as long as they are healthy, a vague standard that fails to contend with historic prejudices within the medical profession. “It’s like, oh yeah, love yourself unless you aren’t healthy, then you need to work on your health. Or love yourself unless you’re too overweight. There are now a lot of conditions which pop up, which completely goes against the original ideas of the movement,” explains Ally Duvall. Exclusion based on body size, shape, color, and ability continues, just in a different shiny guise.

unlike the two poles which are body-centered (bodily hate vs. bodily love; hate your stretch marks vs. love your stretch marks), neutrality takes the body out of the equation. No matter how we feel on any given day about our body—whether our pendulum is swinging toward deep shame or extreme positivity—the body neutral practice is to acknowledge the feelings we have, explore why those feelings may have shown up for us in the first place, and then reconnect with our self-worth.

(Acknowledge your feelings without judgment.)

(Explore the hidden reasons—stress, lack of sleep, emotional distress, sickness, societal wiring, hormones, etc.)

(Reconnect with yourself, and thank your body for what it does for you.)

Tune in to the way you speak about your body and attempt to be a bystander to your thoughts: Wow, I am having a lot of feelings about my legs today. I’m listening to the things I’m saying about myselfand I’m being really hard on myself right now. The things that I’m saying I would never say to a friend. The things I’m saying I would never say to my child. These are nasty, hurtful things to think and speak.

I always found the acknowledgment phase challenging because I didn’t want to say many of those thoughts out loud. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was having a hard time. I wanted to have an easy time, I wanted to be strong and doing great and to love myself, no matter what. I wanted to believe I had achieved body positivity, job done, on to more fun things. But it’s so important to tell yourself on the days you can’t make it there, that it’s okay to not be okay. I repeat, it is okay to not be okay. There’s no shame in having a hard time—in the context of the world we live in, it’s almost inevitable. Laying it all out and being really honest with yourself is the first step, because if you choose to suppress those thoughts and silence your true feelings, you can never get to the heart of what is really going on within.

It’s not that this first step makes you feel great, but it can help neutralize what’s going on and help you detach a little. Acknowledgment is about pulling yourself out of the situation, standing up above yourself, looking down and seeing what’s happening on the ground right now. Sometimes it helps me to view myself as different versions of myself. I’ll think, What age is feeling this right now? Which Bethany is showing up here? Am I acting as my teenage self or an earlier self? Then I try to recruit another part of myself to speak compassionately to that side of me. Often, adult Bethany shows up to comfort young Bethany, and this is helpful because it reminds me that these feelings arise from former traumas or beliefs that I am now equipped to handle.

Ask yourself: What else is really going on here? Am I extra stressed? Have I had an argument with my partner? Did I have to buy a bigger size in my jeans and that brought up something for me? Are my hormones influencing me strongly?

The reconnecting step will look different for everyone, but turning our focus onto all that our body does for us, instead of the way it looks, can be transformative. In contrast to the body positive mindset, where you might be asked to write down something you love about your body—I love my smile, or my shoulders, or my neck—the body neutral practice doesn’t involve looking at your body from an aesthetic point of view at all. The reconnection phase of body neutrality is centered on what your body can do for you—or has done for you. It’s more action-oriented. The body is magical simply because it keeps us alive and breathing and perceiving the world and others around us.

Activist and author of See Me Rolling, Lottie Jackson, explains how disability intersects with a body neutral practice. “When you are grappling with health issues there’s sometimes a lot going on that constantly brings your focus back to the body. But if circumstances allow, it is possible to make your body neutral in the sense of mentally deprioritizing it and switching off for a while. For example, I have reminded myself that there is so much more to discover and enjoy beyond the physical constraints of your body. Whether it’s using your imagination, being creative, connecting with people, or discovering new passions, the fleshly body is only one part of who we are.”

At the end of the day, there is always something to strive for and there is always something to improve upon—that’s the way our world is set up. But happiness doesn’t come from self-harm or self-abuse or self-delusion. Happiness doesn’t come from restriction and punishment, self-hatred and shame. Happiness doesn’t come from shitting rainbows and pretending that we love ourselves every single day when actually we’re struggling. Happiness comes from honest acceptance, something that body neutrality has the power to help you find.

Now that we have established the principles of body neutrality, it’s time to look at the world outside of our bodies. The reality is that, no matter how we feel within our skin, the way we look impacts how we are treated by others. Our relationship with our body doesn’t exist in a vacuum. None of us are born with inherent beliefs about body shape, size, color—instead they develop through how we are treated, or see others being treated.

There may be some of you reading this book who find that the hurdles the world throws in your path are too high to be able to accept your body. That doesn’t mean you have failed at being body neutral. Those feelings are valid and welcome here. With that said, there are people who live in marginalized bodies who find body neutrality to be a powerful practice that supports their journey toward healing their relationship with their body. I hope that there are aspects that you can take from body neutrality that might help you get closer to self-acceptance—even if they don’t fully bridge the gap.

One thread you will find me returning to in this book is that of curiosity and experimentation. Body neutrality may not be the single key that unlocks your own self-acceptance, because of the additional pressures your body experiences due to its shape, size, color, or ability. But it may offer a space for you to explore new techniques that could support you along the way. The environment you live in might be hostile, and yet there are ways you can protect yourself against some of the messages that come your way. A good starting point for accessing this shield is to look at the myriad ways that a body neutral practice can intersect with race, gender, size, and disability and help create a safer and more equitable space.

Many of the ways we have been taught to perceive bodies are based on insufficient research and assumptions, and it can be disorienting to unravel ideas that have been presented to us as fact. Many of us reading this are unlearning deep-rooted beliefs that have been passed down for generations—and that’s hard! But it’s part of this journey, and I encourage you to write down any feelings or questions that may come up as you read this chapter—and indeed the rest of this book. The hope is that it helps you reflect on and begin to change the way you speak about yourself and others.

We live in the age of wellness, and health seems to have taken on a moral character. The result is those who are seen to be choosing their ill-health or potential ill-health are deemed immoral and bad people. What this fails to acknowledge is that attaining “health” isn’t a possibility for some people, and many factors—including location, income, and socioeconomic status—can make it difficult or even impossible to access.

The point is, “health” does not look one particular way, and our bodies are not business cards. When we assess people based solely on the way they appear outwardly, we overlook so many important factors and create a difficult environment for healing. Healthy or not, every single person deserves access to care. Each and every one of us deserves to be treated with respect and consideration—no matter what.

As for how to deal with the constant barrage of biased and often hurtful messages, Pooja suggests taking time to acknowledge how hard that task truly is. “Even when you intellectually know that you want to come from a more inclusive, compassionate stance, you have to start by recognizing up front what you are working through. For many of us, that is decades of talking to ourselves in a certain way based on how we have been treated. On top of that there are centuries of racism, sexism, ableism, and all of the -isms. Before you start to go interior, I think it is always important to preface these conversations with how difficult it is from the exterior. We have to be compassionate with ourselves about these truths.”

“We cannot create neutrality just for ourselves without creating full neutrality and full freedom for everyone,” Ally explains. “It is not an accepting space or world until it accepts everyone. If you’re simply body neutral toward yourself, you absolutely could have other biases that show up and that could be stigmatizing someone else. There are many fundamental issues with accessibility for people of my size. For example, when I go to a restaurant, I have to pre-research what it looks like outside. Do they have chairs that are accessible for me? There are many conversations around how we make this a space which is not only a space for me, but also for people who are more marginalized than me. People who are in a fatter body than me, who are a different race than me, and have different abilities to me. If you aren’t engaging and challenging those issues then you aren’t truly engaging with neutrality either.”

Addressing our internal dialogue is often the best place to start on the body neutral journey. It may feel overwhelming to think about changing the entire world to be a more welcoming and inclusive place, but we do have the power to shift the narrative going on between our ears. And the best part? Practicing body neutrality within ourselves can help influence those around us, and hopefully create a domino effect in our communities. All change starts from within.

What did beauty mean to you when you were young? Who were your beauty icons then, and who are they now? How are they different or similar? When do you first remember feeling strongly about a physical attribute, beautiful or not? How did the environment you grew up in influence the way you perceived beauty? Does it still influence you? How has your gender influenced your beauty standards? Have you ever wished to explore a beauty standard outside of what is deemed acceptable for your gender?

There are many ways to get closer to yourself. Whether it’s massaging a patch of stretch marks or lovingly combing your gray hair or playing with that belly roll, touching your body in gentle and safe ways can be an excellent tool in reconnecting with your physical self. Experimenting can also be powerful: as Cyrus and I both experienced, trying different looks and aesthetics can be a fun way to figure out your unique preferences. Just be sure you are in a safe and nonjudgmental space when you are trying out new things. One of my favorite times to experiment is when I’m on vacation, because I’m removed from my everyday environment.

While often difficult, it is incredibly empowering to own your body as it is outside of what may be the current trend. Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, which means that the standard of beauty is different for everyone. Often it’s not our body that needs to change, it’s our mindset.

I really do believe one of the most radical and rebellious things you can do is to be neutral about your body. So often our bodies act as a battleground in a war of ideas, weaponized and politicized on all sides. How would it feel to let go of the weight of that burden, and allow your body to just be? To allow your aesthetic choices to be just that—simple choices—rather than having them be a flag about your beliefs on unrelated matters? To approach things like body hair and makeup without judgment, toward yourself or others? To forget what society thinks—and by that I mean what all of society thinks, from the most conservative to the most progressive. I want you to ask yourself: what makes the most sense for your life?

Step 1: What is one thing about your appearance that you feel self-conscious about? This could be anything from your hair length, to wearing makeup, to showing your legs. I’m going to do this with you using my mirror example from above. Step 2: What would the opposite extreme of where you currently are look like? How does the thought of that make you feel? This would be like imagining never having access to a mirror. Step 3: What would the midpoint between these two extremes look like for you? How does that make you feel? That may be like only looking in the mirror once a month. Step 4: Keep going until you get to a change that feels manageable. Where is that point for you? For me, that was not looking in a mirror for a week. Step 5: Now think about a time and a place where it would feel safe for you to try putting that into practice. For me, it was only when I was in the jungle away from social media and work that I felt comfortable putting the mirrors away. Create an environment that feels protective and then try it out! You might be surprised at what you discover.

“If we are looking at bodies as a neutral thing, who cares if you change it?” they ask. “If someone is telling you not to change anything about your body and to love yourself exactly as you are, this is where positivity can become toxic.

Altering our bodies is not inherently “wrong,” just like dyeing our hair a different color is not a betrayal of our natural selves. More than examining the choices we make, we should examine the intention with which we make them.

Is there a functional reason behind this modification? Is your main aim to make your life more comfortable (either physically or psychologically) or practical? When you think about NOT getting it done, how do you feel? Does it feel shameful to remain in the body that you have? If so, try moving through the body neutral steps (acknowledge, explore, reconnect) and see what doing that brings up for you. What are you hoping to get out of this body modification? What is your ultimate aim or goal? How do you think things will be different in your life beyond the changes that you’re making?

“Many women have told me that what they find the most triggering are those comments from people that are close to them, like friends and family—often mums, grandmas, and aunties. And that is so difficult,” Alex Light explains. “But I think we need to understand that they are also a product of their environments. Many of them spent their entire lives being faced with the idea that they needed to be thin. I think if you can realize that the issue lies with them and employ compassion, then I hope you will be in a much better place to have those comments bounce off you rather than internalizing them. But that is so tough and it’s not an overnight thing. It takes practice.”

What did mealtime look like for you as a kid? Did you eat together or alone? Did you enjoy the food you were served? What did positive mealtimes look like? What did negative mealtimes look like? How was your body spoken about when you were young? How have those comments impacted how you see yourself today? What foods, if any, did you internalize as being “bad”? What foods did you internalize as “good”? How do you see these foods today? What kind of relationship did members of your family (including generations past) have with their bodies?

here are some body neutral ways to talk about clothing next time you’re getting dressed or going shopping with a young person. A good tip is to focus on the function of your clothes. This outfit keeps me warm. I feel so comfortable in this dress. These jeans make my body feel supported. This doesn’t fit me anymore so I’m going to wear something else. I’m going to try this on in a bigger size so my body can move more freely.

Our bodies hold so much wisdom and can be trusted to eat what they need in the right quantity. “Kids are born as intuitive eaters. There are caveats with genetic issues which might make them struggle to listen to their internal cues, but most healthy children are born knowing what their bodies need nutritionally,” explains Megan. “If we have had issues with our own relationships with food, it can be healing to have a child, because you see from the beginning how they are guided by what their body is telling them.”

To me a “workout” is a set amount of time, at a place that resembles a gym, filled with lunges and squats. To me, “exercise” involves wearing leggings and twisting my body into stretchy positions or counting the number of reps and feeling the burn. But “movement” encompasses so much more, and it does so in a way that respects my body. Movement is dancing in the living room in my underwear, taking a walk with my dogs, swimming in the pool with my nieces and nephews, rolling my head to release my neck after a stressful day. And it’s going to the gym, squatting, lunging, throwing on my leggings and counting reps. And for you, it may mean something entirely different: movement is a self-expression that is unique and individual to each person. All movement, big or small, long or short, is valid.

Joyful movement emphasizes moving your body in ways that feel good and that you actually enjoy. By decoupling movement from calories lost, movement stops being militant and becomes more free. Other words that have started to pop up around these practices include “intuitive movement” or “intentional movement”—but personally I love the term “neutral movement” (surprise surprise), as it removes expectation or judgment. They all channel the same energy as joyful movement in that none of them involve forced workouts, rigorous calorie counting, or pushing your body where it doesn’t want to go. Instead, they are about mindset: movement for the sake of how you feel, not how you look.

From an emotional perspective, movement can offer support and space for us to release what we have built up inside. Whether that is anger, frustration, pent-up energy, excess energy, sadness, or any other deep feeling, movement can help us shift internal energy, leading to a clearer mind. If you are craving connection, maybe it means working out with a friend or playing with your kids—movement can be a wonderful way to engage with others. From a purely physical point of view, movement can help us take up space: many exercises require sure steps, long arms, big expressions. It can also help channel confidence. Have you ever tried to balance when you’re feeling timid? It’s much harder than when you’re feeling confident. There is so much potential waiting to be unlocked.