You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

by Richard C. Schwartz

The final form of intimacy is what I’ll call the secondary caretaker kind. It is the bonding that occurs when one partner allows the other to be the secondary caretaker of their exiles. This Self-to-part connection across partners creates a loving gratitude in the receiver and a deep affection in the giver. When partners reach the stage when they can do this for each other, they fulfill the promise of relationship—to actively help each other learn the lessons about love and trust that we are all here to learn.

Each of these four forms of intimacy—describing parts to each other, Self-to-Self relating, part-to-part relating, and secondary caretaking (a.k.a. Self-to-part relating)—is powerful by itself. When all four are available in a relationship, it takes on a vitality that allows both partners to rest because they know they are home. Each of these four forms of intimacy requires the ability to focus inside and express what you find.

When these prerequisites are in place and couples begin to experience one or more of the four kinds of intimacy, they often say that this is all they’ve ever wanted. It turns out that our needs are pretty simple: to be seen and embraced, and to see and embrace. When we can clear away enough of the jungle to do that, we find a partner for life whose goal is to support our mutual learning and unburdening. With that blessing comes the joy of knowing we are doing what we are here to do, and we are not doing it alone.

Like aging, intimate relationships should be experienced with openness and care. They require the courage to face what is ugly and scary in yourself and your partner, love fully without possessing, and risk losing that love. That is why intimate relationships are so rare—why so many people settle for protector-dominated lives together or choose to live alone.