You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

by Richard C. Schwartz

the first difference you will notice is in your perspective. For example, you will no longer expect your partner to make you feel complete, worthwhile, elated, or safe—in other words, to be the primary caretaker of your parts. While your partner may elicit all of those feelings in you at different times, you know that you can help your parts feel that way, too, so their welfare doesn’t depend on your partner. Then, when you don’t feel those positive emotions, you don’t blame your partner, and you don’t give your partner all the credit when you do feel them. Similarly, when you feel bereft, lonely, worthless, depressed, terrified, or humiliated, you don’t depend totally on your partner to pull you out of those dark seas. You also don’t grasp at the other life preservers our culture offers because you know how to turn to and love those hurting exiles. Or when your parts are so triggered that you can’t help them in the moment, you hold the awareness that it is just a “parts attack” and is temporary. You have the ability to remain the “I” in the inner storm, which also helps you stay the “I” in outer storms with your partner. Once the storm blows over and the part calms down, you go with love to the ones that were upset and help them heal.