You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

by Richard C. Schwartz

The time will come when, with elation, you will greet yourself arriving at your own door, in your own mirror, and each will smile at the other’s welcome and say, sit here. Eat. You will love again the stranger who was your self. Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you have ignored for another . . .

When that love stops flowing, even momentarily, we get scared and go to work on one of three projects. The first two of these are designed to get our partner back into that loving redeemer role. The third project is to give up on that endeavor and find alternatives.

Consequently, they will disappoint those desperate parts of us, leaving us deeper in the hole of hopelessness and despair,

You can become your own healer—the special person your vulnerable parts have been waiting for. When that happens, your partner will be released from the redeemer trap and its accompanying projects, and true intimacy will be possible.

“We live in one of the most prosperous nations on earth, and we measure our success by material accumulation . . . But for many, it has become clear, that instead of bringing us happiness and peace of mind, all this stuff is stressing us out and alienating us from our families, our partners, and our dreams.”