You Are the One You've Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships

by Richard C. Schwartz

The fact that our partner triggers us is not a bad thing—we are here to learn lessons, and our partner is a great tor-mentor. When either of us is upset and extreme, it is just temporary hijacking by a part; our loving Selves are still in there and will return soon. The hijacking is useful because it will lead each of us to heal key exiles that are driving the protectors, if we follow through. Neither of us has to react in kind and can instead remain the “I” in the storm in the face of the other’s hijacking. If both of us are hijacked, we can comfort our own exiles, even during the dark times. It is our individual responsibility to be the primary caretaker of our own parts, and we can do that no matter what our partner does. It is also our responsibility, later, to initiate a repair and to apologize for the parts of us that were extreme, regardless of what our partner did.