Don’t Swipe Right

by L.M. Chilton

Listen, I’ll freely admit I’ve got at least two more credit cards than I need, a mild crisp addiction and I really, really need to work on my core.

Rough estimate, I’d say I’d done, maybe fourteen things, total, that Mary Berry would raise a concerned eyebrow at.

We can’t all magically bump into the love of our lives in a conference centre in Milton Keynes.

‘Likes going out and staying in, travelling, movies and roasts on a Sunday,’ I read out loud. ‘And, oh, works in fucking IT, obviously,’ Sarah said, looking over my shoulder. ‘Well, nobody’s perfect.’ I shrugged.

‘Don’t stress, he won’t cramp our style,’ Sarah continued. ‘He can just sit quietly in the corner until we finish the games.’ ‘Great, can it be the other corner?’

Hey, I’m being hit on by the regional manager of Sainsbury’s here. I need rescuing!

‘Yeah, date with Gwen, then found dead in a park. Not sure which is worse,

Funny, it was always these little rituals that you missed most when someone you loved left.

Besides, you don’t look like you eat a lot of pizza.

You know I’m like a guru when it comes to matters of the heart.’ ‘Hmm, usually you just tell me to chuck my phone in the sea and get stoned,’

Don’t you have some oat milk to restock or something?

‘Do you ever think all this joking around is just a defence mechanism?’ he asked. ‘Could be,’ I nodded. ‘Or, it could just be that I’m naturally hilarious.’

‘Let’s not jump to conclusions.’ Lyons sipped his tea. ‘Do you know how many actual serial killers there have been in England in the past decade?’ He paused for effect. ‘One.’ ‘Doesn’t that mean we’re about due another?’ I asked.

‘God, that must be more than ten years ago now,’ he said. ‘And yet, I myself have only aged five years,’ I said.

‘Well, let me reassure you, the fact that you happened to have gone out with two unrelated victims is more than likely just a coincidence.’ ‘Yeah, and to be fair to me, there are plenty of guys I have been out with who haven’t been murdered.’

‘You’re writing that down? You’re writing The Real Housewives of New Orleans down?’ I said. ‘Why are you writing that down?’

Turns out the police absolutely love it when you tell them how much you couldn’t stand the victim.

‘You know I can postpone the wedding, right?’ She looked me in the eye. ‘Never leave a sister behind, right? You’re more important to me than some silly big dress and a piss-up.’ ‘Really?’ I said. ‘You’d do that?’ ‘No, of course not,’ she smiled. ‘I’ve got a three K deposit on the catering.

One guy sent me a dick pic with a sepia filter, like it was from the Victorian era.

I am officially rescinding that plus-one! I told you, I don’t want some random arsehole at the wedding just cos you ran out of time and had to bring an estate agent,

I can already tell this guy is going to drive me crazy, but I’m not sure if it’s going to be in a good or a bad way.

You’re ignoring me now? I told you I was sorry. Do you really need me to prove to you how sorry I am?

I’m not even 100 per cent sure he’s straight, come to think of it.’

‘You think I did this because I fancy Gwen?’ ‘Oh, so you are attracted to Gwen then?’ ‘Even if I was,’ Charlie continued, ‘I’m not sure the best way to win her over would be to go around murdering her exes.’

‘I know it’s totally not your thing,’ she says. ‘But thank you for pretending.’

I didn’t want to speak to a counsellor. I just wanted to feel something different, to turn off my brain and not think about any of this.

‘The earth moved for me,’

I slumped down next to Noah, lifted his head up and rested it on my arm. He dribbled on my sleeve. ‘Good boy,’ I said.