ILYBSM: I Love You Both So Much

by J.E. Birk

Okay, I may be exaggerating. But you meet this goat and see if you don’t agree with me. I push on the barn door with all my weight, using both hands and digging my heels into the ground. The wind slammed it shut right after I walked in here, and when I went to test it, it wouldn’t budge. I have no idea why I can’t get it open again. I just can’t. Time to face my doom. Sherbert, the menace, is walking on his hind feet like some sort of circus dog. Except my memory from cartoons is that those are little lap dogs. Upright, Sherbert is taller than me and really fucking frightening with those creepy goat eyes. “Those horizontal pupils make you look like an alien,” I say. Because apparently when I’ve been alone most of the day, I’ll even talk to a goat. I glance around as the demon advances on me. “Goats should use four legs.” I point. “That’s why you have them. You’re not human, may I remind you.” Sherbert walks toward me, hooves held out like weapons.