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September 18 - November 11, 2024
As Henry Cloud said, “There is a difference between solitude and isolation. One is connected and
one isn’t. Solitude replenishes, isolation diminishes.”
Arguably its most lethal attribute is its ability to amplify what is already present physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Its primary outcome is the exaggeration of what we have least wanted to face: anxiety, depression, fear, limiting beliefs, worry, doubt, distraction, and unhealthy coping mechanisms ranging from binge eating to excessive porn consumption are all amplified when we isolate.
If you don’t cut through the urge to detach, you place the responsibility on others to save you and solicit what you want. Rather than making people guess where you stand or what direction you wish to move in, let it be known.
Odin had to sacrifice his “lower self” to his “higher self,” putting aside his ego, power, cunning, and physical prowess and surrendering fully to his higher self—the divine-oriented self who wanted wisdom to be a more complete leader, healer, poet, father, and man. And you must be willing to do the same.
The key here is that your pain is pointing you in a direction. The direction of healing. And that direction is almost always a deeply meaningful path. It illuminates what needs to be forgiven, accepted, or developed. It will ask you to expand your capacities, capabilities, physical conditioning, and psychological strength.
Resistance will either be the thing that sends you back to old patterns and behaviors aimed
at avoiding your pain or the doorway you walk through to meet your edge, take new action, and expand—connecting you to purpose and meaning.
Your ability to actively move towards the edge—to explore it, understand it, and work with it—will lead to a deep sense of expansion and growth. Expansion is essential because it is the energy of purpose. The more you are willing to press yourself against and through the natural resistance you feel, the more you will know where your edge lives, and the more expansion you will generate.
A trauma-informed man chooses to dig deep enough internally and externally to work through his trauma so his trauma isn’t working his life.
Lastly, execute all of this with empathy. You may want to be perfect, but perfection is almost always tied to punishment. A man who is obsessed with being perfect is often a man looking for a reason to punish himself. Let go of the punishment and embrace the empathy of being a man dedicated to betterment.
The truth is that a man who is overly reliant on coping mechanisms is a diminished man. He is easier to control and less likely to speak out about the circumstances he finds unsavory in his life and the society he inhabits. Simply put, a medicated man is less of a threat to the norms of modern-day society. A medicated man is less likely to speak up against injustice, less likely to oppose tyranny, and less likely to be effective enough to lead his own family.
Ultimately there are two ways to deal with your problems and regulate your internal system: unconsciously through coping mechanisms or consciously with generative habits.
when we as men lack awareness and focus on the other person, we project our shadow—the good, the bad, the ugly, and the gold—onto our partner, completely missing who we are and what we truly want within the dynamic.
A relationship is meant to teach you about you.
By getting clear on who you are in the relationship—your faults, strengths, and ability to see what is true—you can more directly articulate your needs and wants while gaining clearer insight about whether you are with the right person.
Remember, how you treat women is how you treat your unconscious mind and everything you don’t know about yourself. She’s not the prize, quest, or adventure—you are.
When a woman says she wants you to open up or be more vulnerable, what she is really saying is that she wants to know that you are aware of your own internal experience and capable of regulating your emotional state. She wants to be able to validate that you are in some way dealing with the stress, pressures, and chaos of your job, finances, kids, and whatever else you may have on your plate.
a man who knows what he is feeling and can navigate through it feels safe and mature and is desirable to a woman.
Get to know the physical signs that indicate you are cognitively hijacked and need to pause. Do you feel your chest collapsing, hands getting sweaty, or feet wanting to run? Does your breath become shallow and your pulse elevate? Or maybe you become cold and numb, completely shut off from the other person? In these moments, have a set phrase that you can use, like, “I feel shut down and am going to pause this conversation, but will reconnect with you in _______ (20 minutes, an hour, etc.).”
Get clear on what the reality of your life looks like without shame or judgment. Be honest regarding how you feel about the facts and focus your commitment on creating direction in the areas that need work. Remember—the victim
will want to blame others for the facts of your life or convince you that change will be impossible or too hard, while the victor wants to know what is true so he can make his next move.
For most men, anger is the gateway to the other galaxies of emotions. It is the loyal soldier standing guard at the doorway of our grief, joy, sadness, and truth. Anger is the barrier between the man we are and the man we want to be.
Our charge can protect, provide, build, and create, or it can destroy, cause pain, confuse, isolate, and humiliate.
Learning to be with your direct experience instead of shutting it down or acting from it is the path to liberation. By learning to work with your charge, you expand your ability to choose how you respond, speak, engage, and decide, and you elevate your ability to feel deeply into the moments that matter most.
Sacred anger does not attack, diminish, victimize, or vilify. It is not hostile or cold, it doesn’t justify name-calling, and it doesn’t use manipulation or shutting someone out as a means of gaining power. It creates structure and order and maintains a depth of connection that is rooted in love.
To face your fear of rejection, failure, public ridicule, and possible embarrassment not only acts as an example for others, but it’s also instrumental for pushing through the natural barriers that stop most people from taking bold risks and life-altering actions. Individual and collective acts of facing fear lead to innovation, ingenuity, social coherence, and all kinds of progress in every area of life—individual, technological, scientific, communal, and spiritual.
Fear stands between you and the kind of life you want to lead. It is the bridge that leads you closer to the man you can become.
Having hard conversations, loving more deeply, being straightforward about your beliefs, and pursuing your aims or purpose in life will all bring fear to knock at the door of your psyche. Let it knock, brother. Let it knock, and welcome it in.
As poet David Whyte said, “It is not the thing you fear that you must deal with: it is the mother of the thing you fear.” It is often the thing that birthed our fears that we are contending with—the bullying, abuse, loneliness, childhood neglect, betrayal, or embarrassment we experienced in the past.
When a man lacks accountability in his life or rejects the accountability that shows up, he will contract. Slowly over time he will shrink in his confidence, effectiveness, and capacities.
To have a man hold you accountable is to know where you stand in that man’s heart.
Integration is both a conscious and unconscious process.
It happens while you are working on it and deepens when you aren’t looking.
I realized that forgiving myself meant doing the things I had always avoided: giving myself compassion, developing discipline, giving myself room to fail and get it wrong, believing in myself, and building myself into a man I respected.
Legacy is not an intention we should hold, but the side effect of a life lived meaningfully. The side effect of actualized purpose and potential.
Are you willing to let go of the comforts you so desperately cling to and pursue your capabilities, without knowing the outcome? Can you delete the distractions off your phone, turn off the TV, put the junk food down, and charge forward? Are you willing to work tirelessly and allow yourself to be forged into being by the adventures, failures, experiences, and obstacles that arise when living your purpose? If so, then press forward and be relentless in bettering yourself.
Male relationships thrive on accountability and die without it. A relationship with a man without accountability is more of an acquaintanceship than an actual friendship. Our lack of accountability or willingness to call a man forward into a greater version of himself sends the signal that we lack interest in his life. It is for this very reason that so many men feel alone or lack real friendship.
