Disentangling from Emotionally Immature People: Avoid Emotional Traps, Stand Up for Your Self, and Transform Your Relationships as an Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents

by Lindsay C. Gibson PsyD

Their emotional immaturity might only become noticeable when you need them emotionally, seeking tenderness or sensitivity to your feelings. With EI parents, you might grow up feeling emotionally lonely, unseen for who you are, and sad about not feeling quite good enough.

they may show superficial sympathy but be unable to really understand and resonate with their child’s deeper feelings. They may seem more open and warmer, but when it comes to real emotional connection they remain focused on themselves.

the loved one asserts their independent self, it could only mean that they don’t love the EIP. Why else would they pull away or need space for themselves? EIPs certainly feel no urge for psychological independence.

What if you ignored their self-justifications and calmly restated your request or boundary? You don’t let them off the hook, but you don’t let them make you miserable either. You remind yourself that this is what they do. You stop trying to change how their brain works. You use their behavior to inform how much to trust them later.

When loved ones show curiosity about our subjective experience, we learn to extend that same curiosity to others. We learn that it’s important to show interest in others, and we learn how to hold a conversation.

Such permissiveness may sound like unconditional love, but this harmful leniency binds the child tightly to the parent and deprives them of learning to consider other people. Self-involved parents who don’t teach their children how to think of others are projecting their own sense of narcissistic privilege onto that child. The child’s identity becomes inflated as they enmesh with the parents’ sense of entitlement to an unhealthy degree. These future EIPs grow up assuming that all attention should continue to be on them. Other people’s feelings and needs just don’t register. Their gratification is all that matters.

I have the right to be considered just as important as you. I have the right to speak up and tell you what I really prefer. I have the right to stay away from anyone who is unpleasant or draining.

Children take their parents’ emotional fluctuations personally because they secretly feel responsible for how their parents treat them.

This can affect the child’s self-esteem all their life, leaving them feeling like they must always try hard to qualify for love, regard, and support.

Remind yourself that you are loving and giving, but that they can’t enjoy this kind of caring with you. It’s unsatisfying and deflating, but you did your part, and then some. It’s not up to you to force them into joy; they would have found it already if they could.

You never owe anybody a do-over of their unhappy childhood. If you feel that you honestly tried to help or show love, don’t let the EIP’s discontent make you doubt yourself.

We all feel better when someone takes our feelings seriously, shows concern, and offers us comfort. It’s strengthening to get eye contact, full attention, warm responses, and reassuring physical touch (Porges 2017). Being validated by others is an important source of our resilience as human beings.