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July 1 - July 6, 2024
They typically oversimplify complex topics in ways that make it hard to reason with them.
After funneling your attention into an EIP, you’ll probably come away feeling depleted and drained of energy.
you do something they don’t like, they will confide in other people against you
You stop trying to change how their brain works.
Passive listening only adds to your exhaustion, never to mutually beneficial communication.
Moments of peace and harmony with EIPs do raise hopes that they could be more reasonable, rational, and receptive if only you handle them right. You become careful not to say or do anything that could make them defensive.
therapy, you may show excellent insight and self-awareness but actually be quite walled off from deeper emotions and needs.
They don’t see why doing what you’re supposed to deserves any special treatment.
After being controlled for a long time, you might feel entitled to lose your temper or strike back because doing so feels momentarily empowering. But this will entangle you further in a destructive dynamic. Fighting with EIPs, blowing up at them, or humiliating them could prompt aggression in some, so try to curb such reactions if an EIP seems unstable.
Their grandiose sense of entitlement unfurls itself as soon as you show any resistance.
Feeling opposed before you even finish talking makes it hard to remember what you were trying to get across.
Unfortunately, she lost sight of her right to not engage in any discussion with them.
Ruminating on anger tightens bonds rather than loosening them. If you’re stuck in anger when it comes to an EIP, you are still very actively entangled with them.
Your anger may keep you reacting to this person many times a day, as if you’re still fighting their control.
her fantasies of persecution,
As soon as you offer objectivity and analysis, or don’t agree that others are reprehensible, you may find yourself in the enemy camp too.
You also might suggest therapy because you’re getting burned out listening to their complaints and nothing ever changing.
EIPs just can’t resist making themselves feel more competent at your expense.
Although misguided, your perfectionistic part is just trying to keep you safe (Schwartz 1995, 2022). It learned that caution and self-criticism were better than waiting for someone to puncture your enthusiasm. It’s only trying to protect you by getting everything right from the very beginning.
Like EIPs, your perfectionistic part is impatient because it doesn’t want to “waste” time doing rough creative work.
You might find out that it doesn’t trust you to remember how humiliating it is to be exposed for mistakes.
Consequently, many ACEIPs won’t ask for help if there’s any possible way to take care of something themselves.
Just like toddlers, EIPs are sure that the source of all their problems lies outside themselves.
Their worldview promotes a readiness for indignant rage and perceived slights. Self-involved EIPs are always alert to signs of being wronged or disrespected, an orientation to life I call the “victimization viewpoint.” Victimization, unfairness, and injustice are the central themes and meaning for their life.
Something as small as a difference of opinion can make EIPs with narcissistic features feel that you are against them.
Besides emotional sharing, many EIPs aren’t interested in objective discussion either. Recall that for them reality is what it feels like to them, not what is rational or provable. They don’t feel obligated to try to follow your line of thought. They’d rather save a lot of time and tell you what
they believe—and what everyone else should believe too.
Bridget remembered that whenever she shared an opinion, Joan stiffened and looked at her oddly. Joan also pursed her lips into a thin line and drew her eyebrows together.
Yet in spite of these self-empowering developments, constantly setting limits with oblivious EIPs itself can be exhausting. Some people choose less frequent contact not because they can’t handle the EIP—they can, admirably—but because being effective takes so much awareness and effort.
You want the love and closeness you may have felt at times, but the truth is, you’re more likely to experience their limitations over and over again.
You build a case against them, becoming preoccupied with their shortcomings, and mentally replay incidents in which they treated you unlovingly or ignored your appeals.
Very often obsessive thinking is a cry for help that you’re stuck in painful, contradictory feelings that don’t seem to have a resolution.
Consider that your anger might be artificially prolonging their relevance to you. As long as you are locked in mental battles with them, they never lose their mythic starring role, their halo of emotional importance in your life.
However, if you break off impulsively, in anger or rejection, you may escape the conflict but not do the personal work that could support your new and stronger sense of identity.
A continuing preoccupation with the EIP may mean that you remain emotionally entangled and are still struggling to free yourself from their internalized influence.
If you have repetitive thoughts or internal conversations with estranged people, this is happening for a reason.
For instance, you might find out that a part of you is missing the attachment, even though they drive you crazy. Acknowledge this as the emotional wish of one part of you. Then, ask that emotionally attached part of you to step back while you ask bigger, more objective questions of your true self (Schwartz 1995, 2022):
You can stop EI behavior with self-examination, with insight, and by hitting the pause button before launching into defensive, self-justifying reactions.
Relationships with actively complaining EIPs are unusually draining and often turn into an unpleasant struggle if you try to help them feel better. They seem to seek soothing, but they reject support and advice while implying you don’t do enough to help. Interacting with someone who’s primed to feel wronged and disrespected is frustrating. Your differentiating moment may come when you realize that complaining is something they enjoy and is not really an appeal for you to rescue them.
See their generalized irritability as a habitual stance, based on their insistence to be right about everything, and not as a judgment of you as a person.
When you get a phone call or message from an EIP in your life, what do you feel? Do you go on alert? Worry about what’s coming next? Dread having to act interested while you listen to them?
