Can't Say Goodbye

by Eden Finley

“May you have the spit roasting you truly deserve.”

Because Prescott is my world. He’s my rock. Hell, he’s the only family I have.

I can’t help the pang of longing that hits my chest when we’re curled up together with Brady between Kit and me. It’s a heartbreakingly perfect moment that will never happen again. So I hold on tighter and breathe them in to try to remember this for as long as I can.

This move to Virginia is the right one. The job will be good for my career. Distance from Prescott will be good for my heart. It’s not my fault I went and fell in love with him. It’s his fault for being him.

“You’ll always be my best friend,” I say. “Distance won’t change that. And the once-a-year thing sounds great.” He nods. “Once a year. Only on leave.”

“We’ll make it up to you,” Prescott says and holds out his arms for a hug. I don’t hesitate to run into them and wrap my hands around his back and bury my head in his shoulder. Then Kit is behind me, and I’m where I belong. Where I’ve wanted to belong since we first met. With them.

“That was fun. When’s the next round?” Prescott turns to me. “We might have to take it in shifts to keep Brady satisfied.” I might be boneless. I might be spent. But that’s not going to hold me back. “Challenge accepted.”

“Wait. These are navy sweats. Where are my clothes?” Kit rubs the back of his neck. “They could be in Prescott’s stuff for all I know. I just threw everything in the closest bag.” “Mine now.” Brady goes commando and pulls on my sweats. “I’m military, bitches.”

I want to see them again, no doubt. For a day, a week, a month. The only problem with that is each time we make it happen, this has to happen as well. The goodbyes. What goes up must come down. All hellos morph into goodbyes.

“You forget you’re not part of that we anymore. Or you won’t be when you start your new job.” He shakes his head. “I still can’t believe you’re leaving the military. I might complain about it, but I can’t see myself doing anything else. Ever. We were supposed to be career, man.” “Sometimes dreams change.” “What’s your dream now?” It’s hard to miss the sarcasm in his emphasis of the word dream. “To find a man and settle down and …” Prescott screws up his face. “Have a real relationship for once?”

“Is it so much to ask that I want to find someone who wants to be with me and share their life with me?” Who won’t let me move across the country because they can’t stand to live without me? “I want someone to love me so much they couldn’t walk away if they tried.” “Why do you need to leave the navy for that?” “You know how hard it is to keep people interested when you up and go for months at a time. You’re always away on training ops or real ops, you can’t talk about it with your partners, and it’s an all-round lonely life. The only people you have is your team, and I don’t even have that anymore.” I hold up my hand to stop him from cutting me off and saying I could have it back if I asked for my old post. “I’m ready to leave the navy, Pres. I’m ready to grow up.”

“Just make sure to come home to us,” I say instead. “You know I will.”

When we lived together, I liked that you needed me.” I step closer to him and lower my voice. “Don’t you get it? I still need you. I will always need you, Kit.”

Every time I see Kit and Brady, the harder it is to be apart. Suddenly, instead of enjoying both of them, instead of reveling in being wrapped in their arms, I’m drowning in anticipated loneliness.

If you’ve never had a tongue in your ass and a mouth on your dick at the same time, you haven’t lived.

“We’re close,” Kit tells me and glances down at my stomach in silent question. “Make like the Beatles and come together. Right now. Over me.”

I miss you.” The words cut deep because I know it’s not how I want them to mean. “As your roommate?” Prescott licks his lips and hesitates. “As my best friend.” And as if he’d stabbed me in the heart for the millionth time, I rub my chest and try to accept that if I didn’t want an honest answer, I shouldn’t have asked.

“You should live your truth, no matter what that truth is. Will it be more difficult? Will you and your guys be in the spotlight for a while? Yes. But any story can be spun. Any situation can be ‘fixed.’ Unless you’re screaming racial slurs from rooftops or they were underage or anything else truly problematic. Loving two men in the age of love is love shouldn’t be as scandalous as it will be, but it will be manageable. I promise you.”

“Talk to me, Parker,” he says, answering the phone. “What did you find out?” We’re so close I can hear the words coming through the other end. “Official word is SEAL Team Three went radio silent two days ago.” “Unofficial word?” Kit asks. There’s a beat of silence before a quiet response is given. I suddenly wish I wasn’t close enough to hear. “Their Hawk went down somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean near Bermuda. They haven’t been able to locate them since.”

“All I’ve ever wanted since meeting you guys was to be with you. Both of you. But I told myself that you were older, I was moving away, and that what we had was only sex. I’ve told myself that for so long and remind myself every time I see you that what we have couldn’t be real, no matter how much I wanted it. No one outside of you two has ever made me feel the same way. When I’m with you, you’re all I think about. When I’m at work, I throw myself into it hard because otherwise, my mind drifts back to you and Prescott. What you’re doing. Where you are. How you’re planning to turn me out the next time we manage to see each other. And every goodbye, it gets harder and harder to walk away.”

“I know you and Prescott have something special. Something deeper, and you’re in love with him—I could tell that from the very beginning—but all I’ve ever hoped is that someday, you and him could see me that same way.”

“That doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. What you and I have happened naturally and fast. It comes from that primal need we all have inside us. The moment you turned up on my doorstep to take care of me for once, I could no longer deny it. You own me. Completely and wholly. I want you to be mine. I want Prescott to be mine. I want it all.” Brady’s lips turn up. “I want it all too.”

Kit and Prescott. From being my college flings to becoming my vacation hookups. I really hope this can lead to something more. Something bigger. I want them as life partners in every sense. Now to find a way to make it happen.

“Maybe hold off on parkour until your leg gains back some conditioning. After weeks of having all your weight on your good leg, you’ll be unbalanced for a while.” “Aww, your legs match your mental state,” Kit says. The asshole. Brady laughs. What a traitor.

“Love is about sacrifices and compromises, right?”

“I’m realizing that … that maybe you two are to me what my dads are to each other. We’re each other’s perfect matches, and together, we just fit.”

Are you sure you’re going to be ready to leave the navy?” Prescott puts down his fork. “Honestly, I’m not sure I’ll ever truly be ready, but I’m making the choice to have a more stable home life. No disappearing for six months at a time. No more training accidents that almost kill me.” His brown eyes peer deep inside me. “No more running from love because I’m scared of screwing it up.”

Does having Brady and Kit make the risk of putting my life on the line for my country too much? Death is part of this game, and over the course of my career, I’ve become desensitized to it. The image of Kit and Brady standing at my military funeral shakes me to my core. My parents being handed the American flag that’s draped over my coffin fills me with dread.