For the Fans

by Nyla K.

Frankie shifts on the couch. “I’m gonna say something… and you might get pissed at me for it, but whatever. Do your worst,” she says firmly. “Nothing changed, Avi. You and Kyran have had chemistry from the fucking start. I saw it. The fans saw it. That’s what had them begging for you two to get together. People can play-act hot sex all they want, with rehearsed moves, special lighting, and camera work in fancy locations… Giving the appearance of real passion. But you two had something no one in this whole online sex-work game has…”

I could barely breathe, I was so overwhelmed. Every single thing was weighing on me, like brick and mortar being stacked right on top of my shoulders. The insecurities I spend all day every day stuffing down were coming up my throat and out of my pores. You’re not good enough. You’re weak. You’re worthless. You’re scared. This is the real you… Not the superstar they see on the outside. You’re a pathetic, broken little failure… Why would you think he’d ever want you? The noise of the crowd shouting and hollering for the other team swarmed me, growing so loud I was downright quaking. My lungs were tight as I closed my eyes and shook my head… “I’m gonna lose this game, bro. I don’t know what I’m doing… I think I’m h-having a p-panic attack…”