An Optimist's Guide to Heartbreak (Heartsong, #1)

by Jennifer Hartmann

You think you know what’s coming, but you never really do. And sometimes, when you think something is coming to an end, it’s actually the beginning of something beautiful.

But my eyes are still the same smoky blue. And my heart beats the same.

My hand starts to tremble as I type back a response. Me: Just don’t hurt my dogs. A few minutes tick by before he responds. Unknown number: What the hell are you talking about?

Deceptive Cadence: When you think something is coming to an end, it’s actually the beginning of something beautiful.

do,” I nod. “And I wanted to make a good first impression. You know…with the guys.” He falters mid-sip, his eyes sweeping over me in a slow pull before settling on my face. “You don’t need muffins for that, but doesn’t hurt.” My skin heats, my insides filling with warmth. I’m fairly positive that was a compliment.

“I don’t mean to be such a dick,” he continues, panning back to me. I’m already staring at him with a lump in my throat that feels like a chunk of my heart that came loose. I swallow it down, forcing a smile to spread. “You’re not.”

:(

“We need to find a way to carry those things with us in a positive way—instead of letting them bring us down, they should move us forward. Inspire us. Help us grow.”

“You sing like a fucking angel.”

my own response. All I hear are the words of a young boy, sprawled out on the pavement, staring up at me with a look of awe and wonder in his eyes as the sun sets my hair ablaze like a halo. “Are you…an angel?”

My instincts tell me to step back, move away, but I lift a hand, instead, placing my palm against his rigid forearm. I feel the muscles twitch and tense when I trace my thumb along the sleeve of his tattoo. Skulls and skeletons. Relics and bones. Death. All I want to do is breathe new life into him,

“Don’t,” he grits out, head swinging back and forth as he continues to retreat. “Don’t touch things that don’t belong to you.”

Hi cal thank you for RIPPING MY HEART OUT

get my answer when he inhales a quick breath, and then his lips turn up with a smile. A smile. A smile.

As I stand here with tears tickling my cheekbones, I know that life’s truest treasures live inside the unexpected moments. The little curveballs that sweep us off our feet and steal our breath. I told my parents the bike was the best gift I ever received, and nothing could ever top it. I meant it at the time. But then… Cal smiled at me.

It took years for me to feel like my condition wasn’t an actual “disability”—it was just a part of me. A different part. A unique part. Sometimes that part hindered activities or plans, but it never hindered how hard my heart loved. And that’s what it’s all about, after all. Loving other people, loving our blessings, loving ourselves. Honestly, the more my peers claimed I was less of a person, or lacking in some way, the more love I wanted to give. The more I appreciated everything good around me.

I relish in the half-smile that managed to break free. Just one corner of his mouth is tipped up as he gazes down at me with a flickering of humor in his eyes. I wish I could bottle this moment; package it up and store it inside me, unwrapping it when I need the reminder that my Cal is still in there.

“That’s Lucy, my new receptionist. She’s doing inventory for me today,” he says, meeting my wide-eyed gaze from a few feet away. “Lucy, this is Jolene. My ex.” Jolene. The friend. The friend who is actually an ex.

Nahhhhh

It’s fine. I’m fine. Well…I’m fine until I’m not fine.

Before I can inhale another breath, one arm dips beneath my knees while the other cradles my back. He lifts me in the air and pulls me to him, whispering, “Fuck, sunshine, I got you.” My heart stutters.

have missed you. You miss me? Omigodomigod.

Beautiful things never last, and that’s why fireflies flash.

“You said you missed me while I was out on leave.” I brave direct eye contact. “Did you really?” He doesn’t hesitate to nod, stuffing one hand into his pocket while the other holds Cricket underneath his arm. Then he says, his voice threaded with a deep timbre, “Yeah…I do.” I do. Not did. Cal misses me.

Ahhhhh

I have no idea how to confess that kissing him would be the tipping point to love. And love? Love has teeth. Love will eat us both alive.

Everything I shouldn’t say. I’ll tell him that I do want him to kiss me, to love me, and to let that love sink its teeth into me, chew me up, and spit me out. It’s worth it for even the smallest bite. Just a taste.

We were high on life. Buzzing with adventure. Blissfully in love with everything under the stars. Everything the sun touched, and everything the moon kissed. In love with each other.

“I guess I just…” Emotion sticks in the back of my throat, and I feel silly for it. But it sticks there anyway, and I worry my lip between my teeth, averting my eyes as Cal comes to a stop one more time with his back to me. Then I breathe in deep and say on the exhale, “I just miss you.” I watch him stiffen to stone. The planks of his back ripple as he flexes a hand at his side, splaying his fingers before making a fist. He doesn’t look at me. Just stares at the floor and says, “I’m starting to realize…you can’t miss something you never had.”

F you

“Something better came up.”

I guess

I want to love him from afar so I can’t break him, but he’s too close. He’s already tucked inside my unsafe hands, and I’m going to drop him. God, I’ll drop him, and he’ll shatter.

“Lucy,” he repeats. I slow my pace, and that’s when I hear him mutter under his breath, “Fuck it.” His feet stall in my peripheral vision as he reaches for my wrist, pulling me to a stop, his eyes finding mine. Cal swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing, irises reflecting neon and indigo against the Ferris wheel lights. “Come home with me.”

“I…” I lift my hands to clutch his shirt as my body sways and teeters. “A-are you going to kiss me?” “I’m going to do a lot more than kiss you.” Bending down, his rough stubble tickles the side of my cheek as he murmurs against my ear, “I’m going to destroy you, Lucy. In the best fucking way.”

Oh

Cal looks confused. His brows furrow between his eyes, gaze scanning my face like he’s searching for something. “Did you think I brought you here to play Yahtzee?” I swallow. “Well, not Yahtzee, specifically. Monopoly crossed my mind. Maybe Scrabble.” “Christ.” He makes a sound like a laugh, but it’s not a laugh. Blowing out a breath, he runs a hand through his hair. “You can't be that naïve.”

Booooooooo

“I don't want to be your one-night stand, Cal. That’s not me.” “I wasn’t planning on limiting it to one night.” My throat closes up. “You mean, you want…a relationship?” “No,” he says simply. I blink up at him, processing his response. He wants to be friends with benefits. A fuck buddy.

Bruhhhhh booooo

“Because I’m not that guy. You held onto something important for years, and you should give it to someone who’ll treat you right. Who’ll give you everything that goes along with a gift like that.” The cords in his neck dilate as he looks down at his boots. “But…if you want to give it to me anyway, I’m not going to say no. I’m not that guy either. Just make sure, if that’s the case, you think about it long and hard because I can’t promise you the things I know you’re going to crave afterward.”

Douche wad

“But I won’t love you.”

Nextttttt

I’ll take these broken bones and build a bridge.

Delusions

“You think I’m going to judge you?” “No, I think you’re going to see me. All of me.”

Unearthing me.

Sometimes, sad things serve as a gentle reminder that we still feel.

“A girl as sweet as you shouldn’t look like sin,” he murmurs, voice full of grit. “Brings me to my goddamn knees.”

“We both know you’re more than just my boss, Cal.”

Is he ?

“How long have you two been together?” the stranger in an emerald dress to match her eyes wonders, fingering her champagne glass. Cal speaks up first. “We’re not together.” And yet, he doesn’t bother to remove his arm. I swear he even pulls me closer.

Whatever weirdo

I don’t know. Maybe. I can’t believe I’m considering it.

Yeah me either

“Want to know why I have those jingle bells at the shop?” My breath all but stops as I open my eyes and wait. The jingle bells shake again. “Every time that door would open, I’d think of you.”

“I know you’re a virgin, I know you’re scared, but I know you want this as much as I do.” He kisses me again, pulling my bottom lip between his teeth until I mewl. “It’s all I can think about.” I nod, light-headed. The juncture between my thighs heats and throbs as if his mouth is already on me. “I’ll get us a hotel room,” he husks, mouth trailing to my neck. “Tonight. Right now. Privacy, cool sheets, champagne. I promise I’ll make it so fucking good for you.”

Whateverrrrrrrrr

“I’m dying.” Just like that, he freezes.

Oh my

“Yes. And the first thing out of your mouth when you sat down for an interview should have been that you were fucking dying.”

Douche

Love can be a fulfilling, enchanting thing, but it can be a thief, too. It can drain you, suck you dry, strip you bare. I decided that I would never give it a taste. It wasn’t worth it.”

up. “I was wondering what you would look like when I make you come.” Humiliatingly, a moan falls out of me.

OHHHH BROTHER THIS GUY STINKSSSS

“Cal.” His name is a plea, a pardon. I’ve never felt more inexperienced than I feel in this moment, sprawled half naked on his desk as he wipes his cum off my body. Finally, he pulls me to a sitting position. Our foreheads knock together when he leans over, and I just sit there, mutely, as my shirt falls back down. Cal tucks my hair behind my ear, then presses a light kiss to my hairline. “Lucy…” he murmurs gently. I wait for his next words. I need them. I need them more than I need air. But I nearly trip over my own heart as it bottoms out of me when he says the absolute last thing I expect him to say… “You’re fired.”

LMAOOOOOOOO

“Did you see that anonymous donation that came in yesterday?” she wonders, the red streaks in her hair matching the ornaments sprinkled onto the tree behind her. “Another two thousand dollars. It might be enough to cover Mr. Perkins’ dental surgery.”

Let me guess ? It was cal

But words couldn’t fix this. Nothing Cal could say would lessen the sting of the wound he’d carved into me after I gave him something precious, something I never intended to share with anyone, and he threw me out like a piece of trash. He fired me while I was still coming down from the most potent bliss I’d ever felt, my jeans unbuttoned, my heart in his hands, his release slow-drying on my skin. The timing of it was unbearable. Unfixable.

Yeah what a freaking ass